PerpetualFlowers

Depressive Cocktail

It is normal for me to think of suicide

I think of death as a comfort

At first it was just a fleeting thought

But as I grew older it became a daily occurrence

Of course I tried

But it didn\'t work

I do anything to escape the reality that makes me feel so claustrophobic

I hate looking at pictures of me as a young child

Always smiling

A gleam in my eye

I try to go back and remember where it all went wrong

I can remember the first time I brought a blade to my skin

I was 11 years old

I am only 15

Yet, I look at life as a cage

I think that life isn\'t made for everyone

I wish I could go back

And pinpoint my first panic attack

Or the first time I realized that I hate myself

But when I look back often my memories blurr

They blurr to mascara stained cheeks

And blood stained wrists and thighs

Screaming I want to die

Going to therapists and school social workers

I don\'t call it substance abuse

Because how can something that makes me feel so good

Be portrayed as so bad

I know what abuse is 

And this is not it

Abuse doesn\'t make you forget the pain

My mother once asked me

How I will feel about my scars when I\'m 25

And I replied only with 

\"I won\'t be here to feel anything\"

I cannot escape this life

It\'s hard to think about the future

When my guidance councilor asks me what I want to be when I get older

A voice in the back of my head whispers \"dead\"

But I just smile, and say I\'m not sure yet.