when I swim through this thick water,
I see this raw, filtered light peeking up at me,
it is round and blinding and in my mind,
I try not to think about it.
I think of the burning and clawing of my throat,
from swimming without coming up for air,
I can do it this time, one more time,
The funny thing about blacking out is the high,
Like entering an ecstasy with sunglasses,
or drinking a sugary elixir,
The feeling is way beyond control,
It\'s like my eyes have been dilated
when I swim,
I swim to the bottom and ly there, still
Not moving a muscle or cell or breathing
staring upwards as my throat closing shut and air becomes thick
Perhaps a real ecstasy would feel better,
maybe it would drain the venom from my smile,
but for now I wait in this balmy winter snow storm,
drinking an elixir,
and counting each and every drop of my infinite insanity X