Today I chose to abandon my happiness.
Just for a moment of love and lust.
Loving you and losing me; until it all collides.
Embracing the start and can\'t wait until it\'s finished.
What have I become? The very thing I never wanted to be.
Victim and volunteer, wrapped up in one conclusion.
Will I ever return to \"normal\"?
Will I ever be me again?
I look for a pattern, because this all feels so familiar.
I have been here before and don\'t want to run again.
Hiding the lies and being the first to control them.
It is so hard telling and believing the truth about my self.
This part of me is large and very complex.
Impossible to let you in, please just take the money.
A house fee with no dialog about other services.
Just the presumption that I wanted it all.
I do want it all but don\'t want to tell you anything.
The shame feels better than the act.
With more emotion than I started with.
And when it\'s over and done. I get dressed.
I keep thinking about that bottle of water and if it was worth it.