I feel binded and it\'s all my fault.
I have done this to myself, made this my default.
To be a ball of anxiety, who curls in a ball not knowing what to do,
but always seems to find the one option I normally choose.
Then the cycle continues.
I will lift myself up and start going down the other path, until something bad happens.
Then I retreat back to the old habits.
I\'m getting tired, but then I look forward to the future,
all the things I still have yet to accomplish.
I have ideas of how I will get there, the wait is what I am terrified of.
and in my mind that does seem selfish.
Yes I feel weighted down with the onslaught of pain that has presented itself to me.
But that doesnt mean I should give up on everyone who wants to see
me through this disaster that has wrecked my life.
I wonder why people act like this is all my fault, I mean I know I have made some rather shitty choices.
But I do not choose to be sad all the time..sometimes I just am,
and believe me I try to make myself happy.
because I do not want everything to be depressing and crappy.
I would much rather be laughing with my head held high.
Regretfully sometimes this choice isn\'t mine.
so I just tell myself everyday I just have to make it until I can go to sleep.
maybe soon this won\'t be my reality, or everything won\'t seem so bleak.