I wish I got hit
Why?
Because for some reason
The words: useless, pig, animal, fake, stupid, whore, failure
Are not enough to leave a bruise on my arms
So someone could see that I am living in pain
Words can be cruel they say
But words can be more than cruel
Words can give you the motivation of giving you more of a reason
To take more than the average dose of pills that were prescribed
And for some other reason
When someone says:
“You can’t do it.”
“ You should just die.”
“No one will miss you.”
and you’re there
With the bleach in a cup
Ready to chug it down
It is you yourself that decided and wanted that?
When in that day
You were clear from negative thoughts
And that shadow rises up in-front of you
And spits that on your face
But it was you who wanted to commit suicide?
When in fact, you were gonna be a murder victim.
All three of workers tried
He spoke to all 5 that came in
My depression was identified
As a manipulation tool
To get what I want and for attention seeking
They all left telling me that my mom needs to be harder on me
The first time he grabbed me and pushed me to the ground
The cops were called
They said he was a hard working and sweet man
They asked him about his hard working life
While my mom was asked if she was part of a gang, or had any tattoos or did drugs
They let him go
Even when I had everything video recorded
I could not win
I was scared
I was drained
I was anxious
I was at my level
I could not sleep and when I slept, I slept too little
I just wanted an extra hand to help him cut him out of my life
But they said it was up to me
Since the day I started therapy
I have had social workers in and out of my house
I use to tell them this, “ I am hurting and I am in pain. Are the cuts on my arms not enough to prove that even though I slit my arms can you not tell the thoughts that are echoing in my head are not thoughts my voice is saying, but another? I am not giving him too much power, how can i dodge the shots being triggered when it is pointed directly at my head.”
I’m slowly being buried, but barely.
Because I will not shut up about the abuse.
For that one bar left of stamina
That I am stretching out
So I can get heard and tell people
The thoughts people really have when they feel
That emotional/verbal abuse is just considered are not something you can walk away from
I admit that I feel this way
But this proves that my sanity is still there
I still have my fantasy that I will be free from it
And I am hopeful for that day to become a
Successful reality