What is this that I am contemplating, why can’t I understand my own mind?
This is annoying, and I the thoughts that I have about myself are not kind.
I truly believe I am not special or beautiful, that I am a waste of space.
That I do not deserve anything, that I should leave this place.
I do not do anything but hurt everyone and I am such a burden,
That I can’t create the change I want in this world, so I should just pull the curtains.
I may have positive thoughts and big dreams, I have the ambition that is needed…
But without confidence, I am left with a monster I created.
Now I live with the consequences.
I did this to myself…
Buried everything and left it on the shelf.
I couldn’t stand against it, now it breaks me down.
It is now stronger than I,
The demon that tears me up from inside.
It tears at my skin, bruises my face
Laughs and has a party because it is now on the surface.
This creature now has me buried deep,
And cannot wait to put me to sleep.
I look in the mirror and am not sure what I see,
It isn’t my face anymore…this is a stranger…
I’m terrified and can smell the danger.
Of the smoke that enters my lungs,
And I know the torture has only begun.
I still hold onto hope and I do not want to die…
So why does this creature insist that I try?
The sickest part of it all is it whispers to me, these suggestions circle in my mind.
Then I perform these acts…because I never can resist, not a single time.
But Why?
Because no one believed me
They did not recognize the truth on my lips, they just could not see.
Or is it the insults that continually grip me.
Encase me and just leave me be,
To drown in the darkness with no way out
And now it’s too late. No one will hear me shout.
I no longer have a voice, I have lost my power…
Now I am just a shell
That this beast compels
To do awful things, has me do its bidding
So why is it that I keep on pretending?
Like everything is okay,
That I will find my way?!
When in reality I am not sure if I will make it another day.
I always say make it to where you can go to sleep.
Then when you open your eyes the day is brand new,
…but I know I am just kidding myself because that isn’t the truth
I still feel hopeless, and I carry over the weight from yesterday…
Yes, I would put on a brave face, but now I just see it as a mask.
Like I said I am tired of pretending, I am broken!!! I am not afraid to admit it.
Because it is okay to feel this way.
I am not sure what else to say…
I don’t think I can put myself together, I am full of pain…and can’t handle the nightmares anymore.
My mind racing, just makes my head sore…
What do I do know that I have admitted this to myself?
I can no longer play the role of being a puppet,
And I will not return the power to the demon that lives within.
I can’t handle this all at once…I don’t know what else to do….
So now I guess I will ask for suggestions from all of you.
I know you all probably actually do not care,
That you probably think I am just seeking attention,
But you couldn’t be more wrong.
I loathe myself for even thinking of posting this one.
But, I still have a small shred of hope and this is what I feel I have to do.