My mind was racing too fast for my body
To keep up so I raced with my car
After all driving is nothing more than a
Feeling and I raced past the road with my house on it
Because I feared had I gone home I wouldn’t
Have recognized it and it would have sucked
Me in, unfinished, and never let me return.
Darkness obscures time and it made sense that
Lydia might not answer given it was almost
Midnight but she did even though
She didn’t want to jump off the ledge with me
As I had thought she might.
She showed more concern than I wanted
From her because sometimes she knows me better
Than I know me but the night itself wasn’t
Real so I didn’t have to be real either and
I drove on.
She talked me out of the ledge but I knew
A nice spot under the covered bridge so I parked
My car in the deeper shadows climbed over the safety
Rail and fumbled down a steep hill I was
A little unsteady standing on one leg wiggling
Out of my pants making as little noise
As possible I placed my clothes and my keys and
My phone with 1 unread text from Lydia
Under a tree that leaned out over the water more
Than the other trees so that I could find it again and
I dissolved into the water
At first just ankle deep and then all at once.
On a night when I’m so out of touch
With reality anything is possible like flying and weightlessness
And letting a physical substance like water be a solution
To intangible problems for at least a few moments in a row.
My arms were wings and my legs were fins and my brain was
Wide open and under the moonlight as bright as
Streetlamps I could soar and dive and exist in
All the worlds at once.
And once I had drowned enough of myself
To think less clearly I left it behind and
Made my way back up the hill with my belongings
And sat naked in my car silently ducking my head
At headlights so they wouldn’t think I was crazy
And I texted Lydia so she wouldn’t think
And I made my way home in a car that is just
Metal my mother never asked me why my
Hair was wet so I went to sleep
And it dried.