Albuquerque Sun Port
Christmas Eve
Utilizing the space here and the extra time
Sitting at this long rectangular ledge with outlets streamlining it all the way down
Charging up all of my portable devices
Sipping on an overpriced Chai Tea with all of its elegant spices
I have given in to co-dependency to technology, clearly
Not really, but, yeah....I am a hypocrite
At the place I call home, there are no longer the means to be this gluttonous
I am right, smack dab, in the middle of an intense and rare transitioning
It has been a great and powerful year of living, loving, and learning for me
Growing
Branching out
Closure of unrequited love from my past has not yet come fully to completion
I was just crying less than an hour ago
I know better than to let this keep happening to me
I know that it is no longer healthy
I am so worried about his well-being
He has been the love of my life, as he has told me I have been in his as well
I cannot believe that it all just fell through us again
I guess it would have made it all much easier to deal with now, should I have just
expected this all to occur
The worst part about it is that the reasoning is simply not there
Its all nothing but a huge blur to me now
I see him
feel him
smell him
taste his body in all of my dreams
In all of my daytime fantasies
Every time I fucking close my eyes
When other boys somehow manage to arouse me just by being boys
Often
More than a hundred times a day sometimes
I don\'t want it all to just go away
I want him to want to fight for me too
He let me know where he stands by blocking my access to his social media, which is even a bigger smack upon my skin
His telephone number remains the same
I have not gotten the nerve to dial it
I won\'t accept not winning this game
I have only texted pages upon pages of demeaning sentences followed by half-ass excuses and unaccepted apologies over which I am completely sincere
I have this gut feeling that I have managed to hurt him somehow
On the last night that we spent together , I happened to glance up at his beautiful face just in time to see him fight away a stream of steady tears falling from the corner of one eye
He denied it, of course
It is not anything that I can take away
My brutal bitch of a memory refuses to grant me any form of forgetting
As I sit here all googly-eyed, ready to fly Westerly
To the calming grounds upon which I tread every year at the holiday time
I will be back before I even know it
To bring in with pure radiant light the blessed New Year
I don\'t know why it is that I still love that boy so....
God knows, I always will
All that I can tell you is that when you find true love, you definitely know that you have found it
Nothing lets you question if its true
Here in another airport, charging up the love that flows to my brain
Charging up my body
Electrocution of all of my past years pain
Charging up my Spirit
Charging up my Soul
The implosion of all the walls I have built up within in my past
Creating the room for my Dream spacing
Where I will manifest the next warrior man who makes me feel whole.....
12/24/2016