Today has been a hard day.
Sat in a meeting not sure what to say.
I realize I\'ve wasted years.
Hiding from my fears.
Lying to myself, saying im fixing myself.
How am I fixing myself if I put my life on a shelf.
I used to think that i was broken, I helped everyone i saw.
Thinking that if i was good to people they would help me fix my flaw.
But in my attempt to help to receive.
My friends indepted did deceive.
Thinking I wanted to be given affirmation.
But only wanting to heal from creation.
Trying to overcome the flaws that lead to the lose of all that I had.
Surrounded by people saying your doing right slowly going mad.
Another pill, another dose, another tab, that will fix me.
Drowning in shame and regret, Addiction had me decieved.
Consolation, Satiation, encouragement were what i recieved.
People did not know that affirmation was empty to me.
I was desperate, baring my soul, screaming PLEASE SEE!
Despite my strength and my muscles I am weak.
With a lions voice and a hard face, but my heart meak.
A warrior taught to fight, taught to save lives, taught to overcome.
Trying to spend my life adding my actions to a positive sum.
Never ending stream of nonsense falling into my mind and out of my mouth.
Covered in a layer of intelligence and eloquence, meanwhile my life goes south.
I\'ve learned that despite the fact that i learn every day the only time i really learn is when im down.
Hungry for knowledge thinking that it holds the answers to what i need.
A farce that you hear over and over, planting in your mind the seed.
A seed that yields no true reward outside of itself.
So although its almost empty i turn to the shelf.
I pull what\'s left of my life. I pull it close and cry.
I can\'t run anymore, i must overcome, I dont want to die.
I alone am not strong enough to do what needs to be done.
I stare at a picture of my daughter and son.
I tell them how much I wish I had been as strong as I once believed myself to be.
Ill equipped and poorly prepared I brought angels into the world of man.
And now I stand terrified...So afraid.
Why was I born so messed up, why wasn\'t I strong enough to overcome my own life.
Why is it when i reach into myself I pull away nothing.
Is everyone so empty? It cant be just me...their is no way that im alone in my pain.
So why is it that everyone else can seem to bear the strain.
but no matter what, I won\'t die here, Not now, and not like this.