For a long time I don\'t think I have felt anything significant.
Now that I am feeling emotion again, something that for a while I craved, I find it overwhelming.
I am constantly on but the options to turn off also feel too overwhelming.
I am stuck.
How can you crave both home comforts and familiarity, as well as strange scenes and unfamiliar faces at the same time?
There is a mess of fear inside of me that changes all the time.
Sometimes it takes over my whole body.
From my head to the tip of my toes it can spread.
Other times it feels so tiny I can even convince myself it\'s not there.
It\'s gone, I\'ve finally outgrown it.
Unrealistic optimism.
It never truly goes.
If you\'re born someone that has to carry such a weight within you, it will always be something you need to carry.
You can sometimes change how heavy it feels within you, but very rarely does anyone have the power to make it disappear.
Some say they do, but maybe they\'re suffering with unrealistic optimism, just like me not so long ago.
Suffering is possibly the worst choice of word I could\'ve used.
Nothing about it feels like suffering.
To feel like you have eradicated something so painful is one of the most freeing, empowering feelings you can have.
It never lasts though.
It is the most confusing emotion that can produce the most unpredictable behaviour.
How can something make you want to curl up under a heavy duvet, with the curtains closed over and the door firmly shut and sob for hours on end,
whilst another time push you out of the house, meeting person after person, just to make sure they\'re okay.
Going place after place just to try and escape that fear, that darkness.
Anything, anywhere, anyone, to act as a distraction.
The most confusing emotion that can produce the most unpredictable behaviour.
I know this won\'t last forever.
I know it will pass.
It\'s waves.
The tide has just came in for the time being.
Whilst it feels like I am drowning right now, some part of me knows that the calm will soon come again.