Okay so listen, let me try to explain
What happens when the blood running through my veins
Can’t really flow around anymore because of the pain
That was felt that same day
That he said ‘it will feel good i promise’
And when the bed was a mess
And i felt so STRESSED and not DESTRESS
And it made me feel less of a person
because i knew i failed this test
Of trusting myself of not going too far
Of just going enough
To make him believe that he could trust
The words i spoke of lust which
Turned out to be just my fears speaking to fit in
The words were taken from those girls mouths
Who made me have doubts about myself
And made me shout in the mirror
Every time i did not look like a coca-cola bottle
Or cry in the shower because i was not hotter than the girl featured in the next top model
I believed him when he said that he could take the pain away in just one night
And for a split second i was going to fight with myself
Because i knew it was a lie
But somehow my flawed face looked in his eyes
And couldn\'t bring myself to lie that i couldn\'t
and instead asked
With a flirty face…”what time”
I beat myself up for not taking a stand
That he should love me for who i am but instead
I yelled “GODD**N”, as i proceeded to make my face
With colors and shades of my pain and of my skin
And that is when i realized i could not win With sin
And this weight on my tray was too much
And I’ve never felt so thin as that day that i prayed….”God please help me”
So as nine o’clock came closer
I could not imagine taking my clothes off
For someone who did not understand what it meant to feel the pressure of exposure
Of my body because underneath that shirt was not just breast
But a mess because i just could not ingest self-confidence
But instead learned to hug my own body
Because there aren’t enough sorry’s
To heal the wounds that have been formed from nobody’s
And somehow i have managed to let one make me feel like a sloppy leftover.
Not only does it hurt my body but it burns my heart and mind to know
That i went far enough to let him think that i might be cool enough
But when it was all over, i could just see disgust
Not only of him but of myself who though rough could make me blush
But now i can\'t feel a thing, i feel a numb
And he was right the pain did go away because there is no air in my lungs
I cannot breath nor see what the hype was all about and this
“Little bit of bleed”
That somehow determines how much of a woman you are
But this title of “being grown” has raised the bar
And i do not want to reach for it but my future is now gone
Because I do not have what i used to have…
That same night, tears seemed to rush down my cheeks
As i tried harder and harder to clean my body and
What he has seen including my in betweens
And the harder i scrubbed and rubbed, i could still feel the burn all over
And somehow it did feel like my life WAS over…
Days would pass and this feeling could not be alleviated
Because mentally and emotionally I was naked and unfortunately i felt so uneducated
About what had happened
And not only was i aggravated and agitated
It seemed all too complicated and i still did not understand the fascination
That girls could find of laying in bed with someone who I could not call mine.
But i was stupid enough to believe that maybe he would call or text
And when he did not i would insist to
Defend the guy who broke me in pieces
I could not go out in public anymore because i felt watched and judged
And i needed a disguise to survive the humiliation that came with
This divine feeling of defeat.
I have never felt so drained and traumatized as i did that month
Because i could not confront myself.
I was mortified and surprised at how i could not even provide myself with
Any support to love myself..just despise. Despise guys like him
Time passes by and i can now look into the mirror knowing that my past does not define me
My mistakes cannot outline my accomplishments do after some time, i can say that i win.
The journey has brought me some lessons on reality and not fantasy
And i’m still learning but i can say that what has happened has made me a better person
And no, i never heard from him again.