Right now I am hearing
Sounds
The birds, the traffic, the garage band across the street
Right now I am tired
Fighting the urge to think
These thoughts won’t let me sleep
They keep coming to me
Tangling a bigger web
I wish I could talk about them
Out loud
They are too twisted together
I wouldn’t know where to start
Which word to begin the knotted spiral
What am I feeling?
It is indescribable
I feel
Everything
I also feel
Numb
My chest aches
I want to cry
But whenever I try
… nothing
Am I emotionless?
Or am I feeling everything?
Right now I feel the pressure
Of tears behind my eyes
They won’t fall
Is this in my control?
Or like everything else,
Is it out of control?
Just like me succumbing to the
Fake kindness
Shown by people around me
Just to get what they
Want
Talking sweet words
Sounding sweet, acting sweet, moving sweet
So much sickening sweetness
And you know why?
Because the sweetness is rooted in rot
Building up inside
Setting itself perfectly, flawlessly
To take its prey
Take exactly what it needs
What it wants
But it’s not what I need
What do I need?
I couldn’t tell you
I don’t know
I sometimes I think I know
I don’t know if I actually find it
Wow
That’s a lot of I’s
Am I being selfish, conceded?
Maybe. Probably.
Maybe that is what I am in need of
At least that’s what others say
“Focus on yourself”
“Take care of yourself”
How though?
I feel that I have to
Be so careful
Tiptoe
To take care of everyone else
Do you know what
It feels like?
To speak like a tightrope?
Every word said carefully, delicately
Every tone considered
Just to make sure you aren’t
Hurting someone
Because you understand
The affect words have on people
You know the lingering pain
The thoughts that creep in
You live the consuming need
To better what is wrong
With you
Your personality
Your actions
Your life
Words linger
Though the sound vibrations
Drift to other galaxies
They live on forever in
Your mind
They hit you over and over again
Abuse you
When you need them the least
Like right now..
When even in silence
I am followed by echoes
But when you say those words
You don’t know what’s already
Floating around in my head
What is currently happening in
my life
both visibly and invisibly
you can never know exactly
what is going on in another’s life
I’ve seen- or not seen- that
With my own eyes
My father’s life demising
He was dying right in front
Of me
I didn’t see it
I should have
I did see the pain
I didn’t see his hope though
Look, all the I’s again
Maybe that’s part of the problem
I saw my hope but ignored that
His faded, disappeared
Words, my friends
What a magical thing
Capable of hiding
Of exposing
Everything
There is a certain person in my life
I get sick when I hear her words
But, there is the hypocrisy
I will spend no more words
On her
Instead
Let my words showcase my
Anxiety
Like when a person I love
Doesn’t answer their phone
The fear that races through me..
All of the negative thoughts…
My dad ruined my thoughts
Stole them
That is for your interpretation
Now I can’t even delete messages
Because
What if that’s the only way
For me to hear their voice
Again
But a lot of you wont
Understand that fear
You also won’t understand
What it’s like to walk on
Broken glass
In fear of making it break
Further, the shards smaller
That’s the case with my mother
The idea of being an orphan haunts me
Frequently
I wouldn’t be able to survive it
I barely know how I am surviving now
There are two people
I consider friends
Only two
But that is two more than
A lot of people
They try, bless their hearts
I’m hard, I know that
They know pain, sadness
I am thankful for that
Disgusting… I know
They will never understand mine though
Just as I will never understand theirs
That loneliness is vicious
It tears at you
Begs you to give in
For now, my dears
I will not.