She was always looking for ways out. It was something that was ingrained in her psyche. Always searching for cracks in the floorboards, something to sink into. She was always hatching escape plans, drawing mental maps with bright red exits. She told herself that no one would ever stay, so she kept a bag packed, ready to run away.
She kept going over her escape plan in her head, every time he spoke to her like this. She watched his lips move, saw the crease in his forehead deepen when he noticed she wasn’t listening. She couldn’t listen. It was always the same.
“...you need to get help…”
“...I can’t always be there for you, even if I want to…”
“...you should try getting a hobby, that always helped me…”
She didn’t bother to answer, he didn’t expect her to. He never listened anyway. At some point he stopped talking, and she watched him grab his coat and walk out the door. She wondered if he would come back. Part of her wished he wouldn’t, and she hated herself for that.
She laid in bed for about an hour after he left. She knew eventually she had to get up. She had work in a few hours. She laid in the tub and dreamed about drowning. She could picture herself slipping under the water, but she never did. She wasn’t really sure why. She got ready in a haze. She brewed a pot of coffee, but she couldn’t bring herself to eat. The whole time she was replaying what he said to her, or what she heard of it. She knew she needed help. But she wasn’t sure she wanted it. She was drowning, but she wasn’t sure she had a reason to be. She kept thinking about what her mother always said to her..
“You’ve got no reason to be that sad... “
She was probably right. But her mother said a lot of things. She cut the cord on that relationship years ago. But the thoughts hadn’t left her yet. She shut the door behind her. Tried leaving the thoughts on the other side. She had to put on a brave face for now.