Depression
Depression is that hole inside me that slowly eats me up
Yeah that thing that can kill
That thing that has killed
That thing that makes my feel so useless and alone
Yeah thats right
Alone
I am alone
My anxiety makes sure of that
Wait anxiety
That thing that makes me so insecure
That thing I can’t get rid no matter how hard I try
That thing I can’t compress
It’s like a demon in my chest
They say with every demon comes and angel but where is my angel?
Angels aren’t real
Real
The simple definition of a simple word that seems so fake
Fake like these lies I tell
Lies I tell people to get them to leave me alone when depression hit
It takes you in the night
It cooks you up till you try to escape into the bloody night
Blood
Blood is red
It tends to come after depression is done
After it has eaten you up and snached you away
Not all can escape
Like not all can escape assault
Physical assault
Sexual assault
Memories leading back to assault
The pain that comes with memories
Pain that comes with the knife you\'re holding up to your wrist
Or the rope around your neck when you just can’t take it anymore
That pain in your chest after a heartbreak
Heartbreak
That feeling when someone rips out your heart and throws it away like it was nothing
Just another monster in my world
Just another monster hiden in my closet
That closet where I keep my darkest fears
But back to assault
The incident that stole your innocence
Crushed you little heart that someone so close would do such a thing
That such a kind soul could turn into such a horrible monster
Kinda like you
Depression, Anxiety and assault
All things that have turned you into the monster you are today
This being
This feeling starts to fill you up
The feeling of nothingness
Not living just barely surviving
Not even that
Just existing
Surrounded by darkness, one of depressions closest friends
Friends
Like the ones that left me when things got rough
Or the one friend that stood by me until I pushed them away
Because people never change, they become more of who they are
Who you are
I am simply a human without purpose
Purpose
I don’t have one
Or maybe my purpose is not to have a purpose
Or maybe i’m just not meant to be here
Maybe i’m just a mistake and I wasn’t meant to be here at all
Mistake
I’ve made many of them but is living one of those mistakes?
Am I meant to just disappear?
I know this place
A place I can go
The hook in my room, all I would need is more rope
The parking garage ten minutes away from home
Or maybe the cars passing by on the street
But cars are slow
And rope will break
And by time I get there it will be too late
Anything will do if it made me feel complete
Complete
What is complete?
Is it when you finish a problem
Or when your heart\'s content?
Heart’s
Such weird things
They beat even after they have been broke
But maybe something\'s there squeezing them forcing them to stay
Maybe my heart is done but can’t stop
Can’t stop
Like my assaulter couldn’t stop when he stole my innocence
Or like how I can’t stop when the blade of a cold knife hits my skin
Skin
Can be smooth or rough
Black or white
Clean or scared
Scars are like a constant reminder
A reminder like the ones on my phone
Reminding me that I am weak and I couldn’t keep going so I pulled out a knife
I tried a rope but I couldn’t tie it
I tried a cliff but I couldn’t jump
I tried a car but they were going to slow
Slow
Like my slow cold heartbeat when I fall asleep at night
But I don’t really fall asleep
More like I feel the cold drops of water falling from my eyes
Falling
I always feel like i’m falling
When I walk the halls of my school my heart speeds up
It’s scared someone might notice the water gathering in my eyes
Or that someone might try to talk to me and I won’t be able to reply
Talk
It’s all people seem to do
Whether they talk about you or to you they always talk
Sometimes it’s better not to talk
Talking uses words and words can hurt
Like the time you told me I was a disgrace and that I try to hard
Or like that time you told me it was all my fault
Or how I was being selfish when I pressed the gun against my head
It’s better to just stop talking
To stop hurting other
To stop being their problem
To just go away
That’s all I want is to just go away
To stop causing everyone so much trouble
To save my mom money from medical bills
But also to stop the pain I feel
The sinking feeling I get when I walk into a crowded room
Or the feeling I get when I cry in my room
Or when my demons come out to play
These demons in my head that grow stronger every day
Or the demons that made me pull the trigger on my last day.
-Violet Falls-