anxiety
I\'m scared of something that barely exists
Why do I lie
To myself
What am I gaining from it?
Why can\'t my mind let me see it
I can\'t distinguish the truth
I\'m not lying to anyone but myself
I stopped lying to people days ago,
Maybe a week
I can\'t tell time anymore
I don\'t know what day it is
I can\'t tell the difference between a Monday and a Saturday
They seem the same, the same heart ache
Difficulty of breathing
Of thinking
Making food and keeping it down
Over thinking of eating
Can I feel bad for myself?
It\'s hard to look at me
I think for everyone
Why wont I let these emotions run rampant
I can\'t decipher my feelings
I don\'t know which is which
They all feel the same
The only one i know is when I hold your hand
And you look at me
With those big blue eyes that don\'t shine the way they should
I see the sparkle rarely
It disappears too much nowadays
My heart yearns to be the reason you smile
And I don\'t think I am anymore
Ouch that hurts
Wow it stings
I want to be the reason your lips curve up and your teeth show
Youre beautiful
I can see it, everyone sees it but you
I am afraid another will make you see it the way I should have been able too
I am afraid that someone will bring new meaning to your life
I am easily replaceable, as i want to believe, most humans are;
But you\'re not
I can\'t replace you, I think I want to hear those words come from your mouth but I feel foolish wishing that
I know I can\'t replace you.
You are like a song that no-one but you can sing
Like the way water makes its way from my throat to my stomach, it moves so smoothly
Like my morning coffee
My hot showers in the morning
that should last a little longer
The way I make my tea
The way I hold onto my stuffed stingray at night
I don\'t wish to replace these things with new ones, I just want to place you in them
To sing with you in the shower, to kiss the middle of your back as I hold you.
To hold your hand tightly
Every single night
To wake up next to you every morning
And kiss your cheek
To look at you while you sleep
I want to be able to count all 12 moles on your chest every night
And I\'m just holding onto these thoughts for dear life
Because I can\'t tell if they\'re ever going to happen for the rest of my life
I just know I have them now
And that should be enough but I want so much to be selfish with you and to make these memories routine
I feel a pit in my stomach on most days and I always know it\'s anxiety
Anxiety trying to talk to me,
To tell me something is wrong
Something isn\'t right
It\'s what it says daily
Most days I believe it
Something is off and I\'m scared
I don\'t really know what I\'m scared of
I think it\'s you
I think it\'s you I\'m afraid of
You have always had the power to crush my whole being in a matter of seconds
With words
Or actions
a combination of the two
I think id die
Maybe not psychicially
Definitely emotionally
I think I\'m already dead.
How do you live when it feels as if your heart has already stopped beating.