October October,
I don\'t want to spend you sober,
You’ll appear with the years,
Almost bringing me to tears,
I won\'t ever see you the same,
But my emotions I must keep tame,
To shelter what\'s real,
But then I know I\'ll never heal.
It\'s nearly a year on,
But to me no time has gone,
It\'s still crystal clear,
The sounds I heard I still hear,
The darkness I could see,
With my eyes shut tightly,
I want to be rid of this with grace,
But instead the tears roll down my face.
I want to be mad,
Feel angry for the theft of the drive I once had,
Instead I just feel weak,
That I can\'t handle it and I feel like a freak,
An outsider of my own body and mind,
I just wish to myself I could be kind,
But it is me that\'s the issue,
Constantly being pathetic and needing a tissue.
I could have done more,
Why I didn\'t I\'m not sure,
I don\'t know why I froze,
But it wasn\'t a decision I chose,
That might not seem clear,
But until you\'re struck with an indescribable fear,
I ask of you to wait,
As I try and find my own clean slate.
Even this poem is a start,
To fix whatever is going on in my head and in my heart,
I should trust in time,
The time it takes to heal this crime,
I want to believe in myself and know Ill be fine,
But my confidence isn\'t something I can design,
I\'ll work on it while I work on it all,
And if I\'m lucky I\'ll survive this fall.