i still feel like i need to write the words of what i am feeling down on a page but i am not even sure what i am feeling. i know that everything hurts. i know that when i think about him i feel sharp pains in my gut or the feeling of my heart falling into my stomach. i know that i\'m tired all the time and that i\'m coughing and it\'s hard to breathe. i know that work is complicated and that i am not the best but i am trying. i\'m getting glasses soon so that should help when i try and see the words on my computer screen. they say i have a hard time with spelling but i really think it\'s because i can not see what i am typing. if i work over 6 hours my head starts to hurt and i can\'t see the screen and that is when all the problems happen. i wish he was here. i wish i could see his car in the driveway on my way home from work. i wish that he still told me he loved me. i wish i had more than just old memories. i wish he didn\'t walk a way on purpose. i wish i knew whether or not he was ok. i wish i could move on. i wish i could forget the old memories. i wish i understood the reasons why he walked away. i wish i knew what she gave him that i couldn\'t. i wish that the sharp pains in my gut would go away. i wish feeling anything at all would go away. wishing on stars is for little kids. reality is dull but at least it\'s real. i know she was shiny and i am dull and old and crazy and i was toxic sometimes, but i am real. we were real. i wish that i was still your star.