I used to be punished for not being like other little girls.
I was too active, too boy-ish.
I did not sit with my legs closed, made obscene jokes, and could not be quiet for a second.
(Which led me to be a completely different person at home than at school.)
In grade school I was a “tom-boy”, which resulted in me almost always being friend-zoned (it did not help that I was a very hairy child, unlike your “typical girl”).
I used to not mind because I was “cool” with the guys, plus I had 5 brothers at home that taught me to fight.
Puberty didn’t change much about me, only that hanging with the guys made me prone to sexual harassment.
Many boys touched me inappropriately without permission and I learned that “knowing how to fight” doesn’t always guarantee you “actually will fight.”
I also learned that hanging with the boys, was no longer a good choice (often still holding true today).
(I recently ran into one of my oppressors, he was taking his daughter to pre-school, I stared into his eyes wishing he could hear my thoughts, “I hope your daughter doesn’t go through what you put me through.”)
Growing up my sister advocated for me, raising me as a “feminist”.
Initially I thought it meant we had to hate men.
However, I grew older and began to see the clear divide between men and women in society’s eyes, and I finally understood.
It didn’t help that I grew up in a traditional household where men could do WAY more than women and women were basically trained on “How to be a good wife” (skills included cooking, cleaning, not talking back, holding religion and basically waiting on your family’s every need, oh and birthing many children).
I used to think the only way out was marriage until I discovered education (something I’m thankful my parents pushed me to excel in).
Education was my way-out, but it eventually stopped making sense.
I didn’t see the point, all I wanted was to love and be loved.
Until I sought to get job experience and my father said, “You don’t need a job, if I am not there to provide for you, your husband will.”
Like a catalyst, I decided to break my own heart and took every painful step towards finding who I was, what I wanted, and who and where I wanted to be (it still hurts today).
NOTHING LASTS FOREVER, and unless I’m in some kind of freak accident, education is the one thing that can never be taken from me (Although it is ridiculously expensive).
Today I still get “the look” for being who I am, saying what I say, and believing what I believe.
Although I am thankful now for the skills forced onto me, I am thankful because they have come in handy with keeping myself alive (not being a good wife).
Today I still struggle with self-love.
Men haven’t changed much and women can too break your heart.
The path of education has only gotten longer.
Happiness is subjective.
& I’m still not anyone’s first thought of what a “woman” should be.
“Change is slow, always has, always will be” -J Cole,
I’m thankful for the Women in my life who have inspired and pushed me to never conform, regardless of how impossible things may seem (i.e., Momma Rosa, My sister, My teachers, Close friends, and now My Nieces.)
Today my nieces look up to me and I often cry because I am not always happy with myself.
How do I explain to them that society’s norm for beauty is unrealistic, when I myself second-guess myself?
How do I teach them to be themselves, when sometimes we need to “fake it to make it”?
How do I protect them from sexual harassment, when almost everything in this world revolves around sex?
How do I teach them to say “NO”, when I’m still struggling to do so?
How do I push them towards education, when they see me stressed, tired, and often rain-checking play dates?