Hello! A quick note before this poem: I plan to read this for my Creative Writing class at our monthly \"coffeehouse\" meeting. We all share a writing or two (or three) and our teacher brings in coffee, tea, apple cider and snacks. It\'s my favorite part about that class. Anyway, on to the free form poem (sorry it\'s kind of long, but I had a lot to get down)! :)
My dear friend
How do I explain what this feels like?
The feeling of knowing that I’m going to let you down?
It’s this almost nauseous feeling
I can say whatever I want when I rehearse in front of the mirror
But, my dear friend
When I imagine saying these words to your face
I can’t help but get this sinking feeling in my stomach
And my heart starts to race
And my mouth gets dry
And when I imagine standing in front of you
I see your face fall
And my words come out in bursts that I can’t control
And my throat gains that familiar lump
I want to cry as you smile and nod
And say “it’s okay”
And I know it’s fake
Because I do the exact same thing
So I know what it looks like
And as I walk away
I swear I hear you whisper
“I can’t believe she’s doing this”
Maybe it’s in my mind?
Maybe you really said it?
I can’t be sure anymore
My dear friend
When I imagine telling you over email
My heart starts to race
And my stomach churns
As I await your novella of a reply
Because I know you’re writing one
And when you do send it
It’s full of negative words
Saying that you don’t think it’s right
And that you’re sure I can juggle both things at once
EVEN THOUGH you’ve witnessed my grades AND performance ethic drop DRAMATICALLY
I love you, my dear friend
But I will no longer accept your criticism in my head
Because all it does is stay there
And guilt trip me into thinking I’m wrong
When I know I’m right
In wanting to quit my extracurricular activities
And focus on my grades instead
So that I can have more time in the evenings
To get some exercise
In the changing season
and have at least half of my credits for online schooling next year
My dear friend
What if I told you that you’d never read or hear this poem
And that no one in this room is who I intended this to be for?
What then?
Well, you’d never know how passive-aggressive I sound when I say
That I adore you and hold you dear to me
But I can’t confront you because you’ll break me down
Everyone in this room will say “that’s not a friend
That’s a toxic person”
And to them I say “this dear friend of mine means well
But they can’t seem to understand how far I’ve sunk
I can assure all of you that
They are one of my best friends…
…I think”
You see, my dear friend,
I write about you a lot
Not only about the good
but also about the bad
I wish I didn’t have to
Because you’re amazingly talented
And a wonderful person
But I can’t exactly help it
Because you’re also slightly judgmental
Especially when it comes to my decisions
We also don’t talk as much as we used to
And that scares me
Because I know how that makes you feel
And I know how that makes me feel
And neither of those feelings are very good
But I don’t know how else to feel when
You don’t invite me anywhere
And you only come to call
When you want to do something
And no one else is there to do it with you
Because you know how much I love spending time with you
And I can’t even talk to your sister
Because she’s demonstrated that she’ll tell you anything
If someone tells her not to
So, my dear friend
Remember this
You will never see or hear this poem
But I can assure you that the next time you essentially tell me I’m wrong
I’m not going to take it
And I will tell you my reasoning
And if you protest
I’ll stop you and say
“My life, my goals, my decisions, my dedication
And if you don’t like it
I’m sorry, but it’s not your life to lead.”
Thank you, my dear friend, and I love you.