I would like to thank you
For leaving me to my grief
My only company the dead baby in my belly
Because you had more important things to do
Like go out drinking, for what I think is the sixth time this week.
And for saying what good friends we are, best friends
How perhaps we should date, raise our child together
But I guess now the fate of the child is sealed
The carrier doesn’t matter so much
I would like to thank you
For admitting you didn’t know what to say
For not asking me how I am
But instead just changing the subject
Sometimes you don’t need to say anything
Sometimes silence is the best solution
Just let the feelings hang in the air until they can settle
Just be there
But clearly you thought it best to talk about your new potential fuck interest
Your new job your friends your plans
Anything but my feelings
So I left. It’s better to feel alone when you are actually alone
Then to be made to feel alone by you
You didn’t even consider staying with me for a second did you?
Because even when i am in a crisis, in an emotional emergency
I am not your priority. Because your situation is more pressing
Then the miscarriage I have to wait patiently, silently for
I’m glad you’re out enjoying yourself
Unconcerned that I have cried all evening
But I am simply not your problem
I just am a problem
But I’m glad for this life lesson
That just because you said you would be there
You’re not
That you would only date me out of obligation,
To settle
That no matter what i give to you and no matter how i need you
I am not enough. You will not be there
A lesson that I can fall apart alone
Confused and scared and angry and numb
But ultimately I can pick myself up
That through my grief I can see this
See that I will get through this
And I don’t need you to be there
A lesson that I have learned myself
Not because of you
But because I am strong by myself
I am wise enough to reach this conclusion
In spite of the magnanimity of miscarriage
The repercussions and regret and remorse
I will be ok
Without you
I will be ok
Despite having fallen apart
All of my pieces have worth
They may not go back together quite the same
But they’ll be stronger due to my determination
To make them so
I will never forget this trauma
I will never forget my baby who couldn’t be
I will never forget your absence in my horror
But I will be ok. With myself. Without you.