I’ve considered myself in recovery from my eating disorder for one year
But lately things have been getting hard
Find myself on thinspo websites
And proana forums
Last week I purged for the first time in a year
And I felt like such a failure
That I did it again a few days later
Today I keep making excuses not to eat
Went for a walk when I felt hungry
Guzzled water to fill the emptiness
I lost 7 pounds in three days
And I was so happy I thought I might burst
When I gained it back I stood in front of the mirror and cried
I don’t remember the first time I declared war on this body
This was suppose to be the year of eating with out knowing where the bath rooms are
But I still notice where all the bathrooms are
I still count calories
And stick my fingers down my throat
And I don’t know how to stop
I don’t know how to stop
I don’t know how to stop being sick
I’m afraid to stop being sick
I don’t know the girl behind the sicknesses
This sickness is what defines me
But I wanna be what defines me
So I must figure out how to stop
Being
Sick