Antonio Valetoria

What feeling is at the heart of your depression?


Heartbreak...is living death
Sorrow-poisoned, grief-chained misery-stabbed and bleeding...heartbreak is walking death.
Behind vacant, desolate and blood-stained eyes, no light shines no joy exists...
Heartbreak is an untimely death
Coma-kissed kiss-ripped slashed and in permanent eclipse...my heart suffers itself nailed to the cross of the lies it was told...bleeding under the thorned crown of false promises...burning alive in the fires of the torch it carries...
Heartbreak is a slow death
Alone and coiled in the dark a slave of its own memories freezing to death like a striknine-lilac in the ice of my dying heart...
Heartbreak is a lonely death
Dissolving in the acid of its own tears, plagued, sick and utterly vanquished...chained sufferring barren and empty...heartbreak like mine SMILES at death...and laughs for there are no tortures behind its black and songless gates that can teach it anymore about pain than it already knows...heartbreak is living death.


Spiralling - by Hood.
.
& so I fall
Although I go unnoticed
I watch ‘normal’ people pass me by
They don’t see me, nor do they need me
I’m worthless
Nobody tries to understand me
Doctors try but they can’t save me
Maybe today will be my last
Maybe another drink first
& a silent scream or two
With a little self-harm for that rush of feeling
I’m beyond help, just a waste of life
I look at my scars, perfect lines down my wrist
A reminder that I'm nobody & still useless
I hate this world but not as much as it hates me
& so I crawl
.
Shouting loud, but not for attention
Screaming out to release this tension
.
& so I fall
Although nobody acknowledges me
The ‘perfect’ people avoid eye contact with me
They have no need or use for someone like me
I’m useless
Does anybody really care?
Psychologists & counsellors can’t mend me
Maybe today will be my last
Maybe another cigarette
With a panic attack thrown in for good measure
& some self-harm to make sure I still feel
I’m tainted, & damaged beyond repair
I look at my scars, perfect lines down my wrist
A reminder that I'm nobody & still worthless
I hate this life but not as much as I hate myself
& so I crawl
.
I don’t fit it, I don’t belong
Here today, but tomorrow gone
I’m here now, but feel withdrawn
Won’t be seeing the breaking dawn
.
I don’t fit in, I don’t belong
Here today, but tomorrow gone
An outcast, a freak, I’ve become
My empty heart beats a different drum
.
& so I crawl
Salty tears run down my sorry face
I want to belong but nobody lets me in
I’m meaningless
Frustration hits me across the face again
Determination withers & dies
I inhale the negativity & exhale my choking fumes
Today will definitely be my last
Just bang my head against the wall one last time
Am I really all alone, does nobody else feel like me?
To be honest, I no longer care
I’m falling, caving in, I’m losing it, I’ve lost
I feel the scars that caress my blackened heart
A reminder that I'm broken & have no purpose
I hate this life but not as much as it hates me
& so I fall
.
Breaking down, losing self-control
Spiralling down into this black hole
.
& so I crawl
Bitter tears fall & sting my ugly face
Can’t find a place where I'm accepted as me
I have no purpose
Anger & spite rage beneath my skin
Confidence wanes & self-respect dies
My insides twist into a ball of razor wire
Today will definitely be my last
Just one last pill for a final kick
I’m so alone amongst this world of plenty
But I have to admit, nobody will miss me
I’m crushed, I’m dying inside, I'm as good as dead
I feel the scars that caress my blackened heart
A reminder that I'm broken & meaningless
I hate this world but not as much as I hate myself
& so I fall
.
I’m shouting out, losing self-control
I’m screaming loud into my black hole
Losing my footing on this slippery ground
Spiralling inside out & upside down
& so I crawl,
& finally fall
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