As though

Feels as though,
I have lost myself
To this pink capsule I now hold.

Days have passed,
And from Pink to Red, we transcend.
A couple episodes we have experienced
And a few doses, we upped.

Healing is not linear, they say
And yet, I can clearly see the path we're on.
A definite growing right.
A journey once begun,
Now impossible to desert.

I feel as though,
I have lost my song
To the ring of each small bead.

I feel as though,
My synapses know no rest now,
I can almost hear them
Firing away constantly.

The dark silence
That once carried me into the unknown,
Shielded and comforted
Has finally let its walls down
For the flashes to seep in.

I feel as though,
I miss that familiar hug.
The way she embraces me
After every show.
Once the mask is off
And I fade off behind red curtains.
While reality calls for an encore,
She caresses my cheek
With a dainty tear.

Months have passed.
Rooms once inhabited by my candle's smell.
Now foster another.
The coffee machine I've left
Too heavy to carry,
Too old to sell,
Belongs to another now.

I feel as though
She has finally taken a back seat.
I've been asked,
'How are you doing ?'
While that sheer glass stands before us,
A witness of a forgotten pandemic.
The sound of five keys
Clicking on the keyboard spelled:
'S-t-a-b-l-e'.

What else can be said now that
Every day has been looking the same.
What else can be said now that
The world has become so blurry,
I can finally face it.

I cannot help but feel as though,
Deep down,
Mother knows I'm lying.
She has been there for years,
After all.

She recognizes when
That first glimmer of daylight
And that last lash bat of the night,
Become equally frightening.

'Oh mother',
I whisper in my sleeves,
What else can be said now,
That all my childhood prayers
And their bright pigments
Have been watered down to
The single hope,
Of never seeing the light of day,

Again.