8-22-16

The world seems to be in fast forward, but I'm stuck in slow motion

I wish I could identify the cause, that way I could make a potion

That could fix whatever is wrong with me.

Because let's face it, there has to be,

Why else would I be the one facing these trials?

Be the one feeling stuck and numb trying to fix it, while

Continuing my life, trying not to look in the rear view mirror.

And tackle every situation without any fear.

I tell myself there is no reason to cry anymore,

To choose to be happy, it doesn't matter that your insides feel torn.

Fake that smile, do things even if it is hard to move.

Find the joy you used to in all the things you do.

I know it isn't easy, but you have to keep fighting,

One day it will pay off, just keep on writing,

Every time you feel down and need that release.

With each passing second the burning will decrease.

I promise in the future it will be better,

You won't struggle as much or feel tethered.

Maybe the depression will ease up, Or I will be able to manage it.

I will continue to think positive , in the dark, I will no longer sit.

The most difficult thing is I feel so empty,

And that I am constantly being pushed down by the enemy.

There is no one there to help me up,

To most I am invisible, or they don't see the feelings that I shove,

up to the surface for every eye to see.

They don't see how difficult it is for me to continue to breathe.

They don't know of the turmoil I face,

or that I feel like I'm losing this race.

They only see the strength I show...

for if I didn't, I'd fall apart this I know.

I guess I need to let myself know I'm doing a good job.

Because I am still fighting through the fog.

Day after day I understand myself more

I obtain power and stand back up with my feet firmly planted to the floor.

Every day begins with a clean slate,

No matter how hard it is to carry the weight.

I step back and remind myself of the good things I have,

And try to remind myself I shouldn't be sad.

That I am loved and have a bright future.

Where I will be the one who will love and nurture,

Any who are lost, trying to find their way.

And even the children I will have some day,

Who will look at me in amazement and awe.

They won't see any kind of flaw.

I will be what they strive to be like.

It is for this reason I continue to fight.

In those innocent little eyes they see perfection.

Maybe I should try and see that instead of question,

every compliment that I am given.

Maybe they are telling the truth, not those who made me feel prisoned.

I know the losses are hard and you feel that ache.

To try and fill that void after you remove the stake,

From your heart that still beats,

even though your loved one had to leave.

Instead of focusing on them being gone,

why not draw loved ones closer, as time passes on

The wound will heal on its own,

You will be left with a scar that will be home,

To the memories that now seem bitter sweet.

And when you think of them a single tear will run down your cheek.

Live for them, laugh to show them you still car,

I will, if I didn't that wouldn't be fair.

Now for the unspeakable terrors I had to endure,

the things that keep me up at night and make me feel like a failure.

Because I didn't protect myself

I didn't cry for help even though I should've

I took it, let it happen, didn't tell anyone.

Now I can't trust any male

I think they are all bad except a few.

My nightmares and crowds cause anxiety

I've gotten better but it's hard to think realistically.

Inside I'm still that little girl at times

Afraid, not understanding what happened or why.

Even as I write these words I want to cut.

Because I hurt so much

I feel like I'm trash, like I am just a tool for others to use.

I'm trying to see those are lies that I didn't deserve the abuse.

That I have worth and deserve to be treated like it.

Though I have been through a lot of shit

I will stand against all odds,

and prove everyone wrong.

I will surprise myself with all the things I will do.

I will shine, when I say this I speak the truth.

Watch me glow so very bright

Because to get there, believe me I will have to fight.

Just as I am doing now to find a balance

In my mind, that doesn't seem to make sense.

I can do this, of this I'm sure

Just trust me and help me aboard.

When I call on you to be the guide,

that helps me understand what we call life.