Oceans

I am sad but in the most boring of ways,

I am not destructive anymore,

I am not full of hate like I used to be,

There is not a fight from the person I have found myself to be,

I used to try to fill my head with pretty words and sayings,

Like real men will love you for your scars and no matter what you are beautiful,

And for a point in time, I believed that,

I honestly believed that.

I told myself that the detrimental decisions that I was making, the self-inflicted pain was more than likely was because I was sad and that a few years from now I'd be better, of course,every person found themselves in a hole at some point in their life because it seemed that way in movies, and then they were swept off their feet with all these doors opening and new outlooks on life,

But there's not any being swept off of my feet, only under a big rug that I told myself I will someday escape,

That the dust bunnies who are keeping me here will someday allow me to leave,

I'm finding as the months that were supposed to bring the new and positive are only waves, not the beautiful ones you find yourself looking at from the sandy beaches, but the waves in the middle of storms that tear boats apart from their foundations, the kind of waves that splash on the shore after a hurricane,

Waves I find myself treading when they start to go over my head and I'm treading water because  kicking and trying my hardest not to drown in the salt that reminds me of the late nights I spend alone in my room, tears pooling around me and suddenly I'm lost at sea,

Thinking about all the people I share my memories with whom have forgotten about me, moved on with their lives in the best kind of way, maybe that's all I was ever meant to be, a short memory in the back of someone's mind, one that never resurfaces from the ocean floor.