Unheard

What am I supposed to do when I wake up tired?

What am I supposed do when I've been up for 6 hours and I'm still tired?

What am I supposed to do when I'm tired of my reflection?

Well, actually, that's ones easy.

I dye my hair.

Switch my piercings.

Dress different.

But what about the rest?

 

I went to bed early

forced down a dinner

But I still feeling like pushing it back up

and seeing of I'll roll off the roof if I fall asleep on it

What do I do when I haven't eaten all day but I'm still not hungry?

 

When my binges only last not even a week?

And this purge has been going on for months?

I purge during summer

because people at school won't notice

But school starts again soon and I still don't feel like eating

It started as forceful purges...Rather we didn't have to food or I ate too much last week

Or maybe I couldnt fit my hand around by thiegh anymore

 

But then I found out that chamomile tea works just as well as green tea when it comes to reducing my appetite

But what do I do when I'm only a couple pounds over my old goal weight?

That barley healthy weight...

But that's when you start to see my bones and it's bad but that's when I no longer feel fat.

What am I supposed to do when I know I'm not fat but I still feel it?

When I can see the outline of my bones but I can't feel them?

What am I supposed to do when I can't help myself but you don't care enough to listen?

Why aren't you listening?

I guess your smoke clogs your ears like it clogs your lungs and your blood and-

that damned bowl always in your hand...

Why don't you listen?

 

What do I do when I can't sink because I'm too light but I still want to lose more?

What do I do when I want to sink so bad, I tie the cinder blocks of self hate you gave to me to my feet and jump?

But as I'm falling I feel like floating

And what do I do when the wind makes me fly away like paper?

What do I do when mom won't listen?

Tell dad?

 

But dad... Why won't you listen either?

What am I supposed to do when your beer fogged mind only knows judgement and anger?

What am I supposed to do when I wake up tired?

And want to throw up last night's dinner?

When no one cares to help and I'm too weak to help myself

 

What am I supposed to do when my only comforting words are through a text?

And even then my eyes blur out all words that can't be taken out of context and twisted to a bad meaning?

He says "so when they say you're stupid and ugly and can't do it, you shouldn't believe them"

But everything besides "you're stupid and ugly and can't do it" blur away and I cry

What am I supposed to do then?