To the friend who doesn’t understand

To the friends who doesn’t understand me I’m sorry 

i’m sorry I’m not always there for you 

 I have a constant war going on inside my head  I’m just watching from the sidelines unable to protect myself from the rounds of bullets coming at me from all directions 

 so If one day I seem a little distant 

don’t ask me to see my wrist wrists assuming I’m cutting 

don’t ask me if I’m tired because yes I’m tired of the constant sadness loneliness and fear of myself at all times 

no I don’t want to talk to you about it 

and no I don’t want to hug 

and no I don’t your suicide prevention hotline because a hug cannot help me heal the pain so deep inside yourself your honestly scared

 and a number cannot give you the comfort you need from people who actually care about you 

so if you still think it’s crazy of me to act this way maybe you should just stop trying to make me feel better 

because every day I want to forgive you for screwing me over 

But I remember the time in class you joked about suicide and I stood there watching as my mind was just pulsing like a bomb counting down till destruction

 and I was pushed to my mental limits 

I walked out 

when you asked me where I was I told you the bathroom because there’s no way I would tell you I was honestly thinking of killing myself 

when you just joked about suicide so again let me repeat myself to the friend who doesn’t understand me I’m sorry