god there is something swelling inside of me

my head feels like a balloon deflating and i feel like a balloon deflating and my shoulders are holding up the sky and yes, i know it sounds ridiculous.

i'm 17 years old and i've got the world on my shoulders and all i want is to shake it off but i can't. i'm stuck i'm stuck. god, i'm like harry potter holding the prophecy in his hands. i'm standing in the hall of mysteries, my future in clasped my hands but they're sweaty and i've been holding onto the cliff for too long, my hands are so tired and this glowing sphere full of my own potential, it's slipping and it's slipping and i'm stuck in the moment before it will hit the damn ground.

there's something building inside me, there's something rising like a wolf without teeth but also like a riptide without a warning. and yes, those are opposites. this is how the story goes: i'm the wolf without teeth, i've got no teeth, i've got no claws, i've got no passion, i've got nothing left but my words and even those are aching. so i went to the sea, i took my words and i followed them but i got caught in the riptide. i'm being swept out to sea and there's nobody here to save me, except me.

the only way i'm gonna survive is if i take life by the reigns and lift the world off my shoulder and turn myself into someone i can be proud of, except i can't. i want to stand on my own two feet but they feel like cinderblocks and i feel like cinderblocks and let's be honest, i don't even know if i want to.

i don't want to do this. i want to spend my days pondering the meaning of life and reading on my phone and being content and free of stress. i don't want to do this. i don't want to do this. i don't want to do this.

did i ever tell you about how i wanted to die? i want to go out in a blaze of glory, my name scrawled into the walls of history. i want to be shakespeare, be galileo, be eve, be pandora, be athena, be someone who withstands the test of time. i want to die in such a bright, bright way, i want to die having made a difference in this world. instead, here i am. i can feel the way i fade more and more each day. i can feel the way this world is leeching away all my colors and I AM NOT MEANT TO BE DULL. i would rather be dead than dull (what is the purpose of a life if you do not live it?)

i am being reduced, i am being simplified, i am being broken down into my most base components. i am not starfire and jupiter dust and wildfire. i am hydrogen and i am iron and i am phosphorus and oxygen and sodium and carbon and yes, all of those things make up these amazing things but paint tubes are not the same as a painting. and i am afraid i will be broken down into nothing.

there is something terrible swelling inside me and i cannot find the strength to defeat it.