pain. p2

Everyone has moments that they aren't proud of, a moment where you feel sad or are disappointed in yourself and everyone deals with them differently, some people rarely have them others have so many its like drowning.

In one of these moments of weakness she gave herself 10 deep scars that would never leave her skin. A constant reminder of how in this moment, life got to hard, the expectations of reality set the bar to high and that the blunt pain of a cut was the only thing that could make her feel something, anything just so she could try to be normal instead of being the numb shell of a person she didn't even recognise anymore, she could remind herself she was real. It was the only way she could think of to control the voices in her head, so she could focus on the blood running down her arm instead of the how fat she was or all of the times she had failed so many things and people.

For strangers on the street,if they saw this girl walking to the shops they would see a girl who was skinny, a little two skinny but looking healthy enough. She would be wearing long sleeve's and covering her legs all year long, even on the hottest of days. Hiding all the moments under her clothes. If she undressed her body would tell a story of vulnerability and self hate. Every curve in her body would tell another twist in her story of silent screaming. The faint white scars of her past and the aggressive red cuts covering her body could tell you how recently she had fallen at the knees of the echoes in her mind, telling her she deserve it for not being good enough.

Because if you are one of the lucky ones who have been strong enough to fight and not pick up a blade and take it to your skin when you are at your lowest, you won't know that cutting is an addition. Once you start you can't stop till you get help, sure you can stop for a while but unless you are really strong and over come it you will most likely relapse. Its an addiction because its what we think we deserve, there's a quote and a girl said "why do i fall in love with all the wrong guys?" and a man replied "we give our selves the love we think we deserve" This quote makes a big impression on people and is the same when cutting. When the pain gets to much and the constant whispering in your head drives you insane and you just can't take anymore, you cut to try to drown it out with physical pain but how can you drown noise and pain when it's drowning you? Think of it as your a boat far out at sea, its dark and you can't see a thing and your just praying for a lighthouse to guide you back to shore.

That's how this girl is feeling. Her family never sees anything, they don't say anything or if they do she blames it on the cat. She keeps how she feels on the inside, she tries to tell her friends who, she is convinced know about the pain she feels and how she won't be able to cope much longer, her moments are becoming to much and are overwhelming, her boat is about to be over turn from the waves in the roughest storm. She uses jokes and humor to cover the fact that she thinks more about killing herself then she does breathing.

Sometimes this girl is just lonely and wants someone to hold her through the bad times. A girl to share her pain with or just someone to call their lover. But she doesn't want to die. No body does she just wants the pain to stop...Sometimes she would get on her knees and say "If there's a God out there, please hear my pray. I'm lost and I have got no where to go." But on one ever answered and nothing happened so the girl just added to the story on her body, written in red,of guilt and suffering.

When she would open her phone her heart would start to beat faster, a million more voices would run through her mind, all over social media she would see people who have more scars or more heart ache, people who didn't have a home or enough money for water. Guilt will spread through her body like a virus. All these people who had much less then her were being stronger then her, they weren't complaining or not coping like she was. People ripping others apart, judging whatever you post never being good enough.The way she was feeling began to be a competition, who hurts the most, who should we feel the most sorry for. Then it also began to be cool,trendy and a way to get attention. After coming out of a moment and adding another painful chapter to her story, her brain began to play tricks on her making her ask her self ' Are you just doing this for attention?' The question began to plague her soon she couldn't trust her brain to tell her what she was really feeling and her real reasons for doing all this. Her body was constantly at war with its self. She would think to her self, 'hell is empty because all the demons are in my head' . She has forgotten what a full night of sleep feels like, the anxiety keeping her up, thinking about the little things that would constantly be repeated playing like a recoding stuck on a loop.

The chapters on her body only tell one side of her coin, the story of when she's at her lowest.