One On One

It feels unreal but at the same time too real

That you sit before me today

We are on a picnic blanket in my backyard

There is a book between us

And though I know what I want to say

Though I’ve practiced my speech countless times for months

I can’t stop the sudden flow of tears

I can’t control my shaky voice

When you ask me, “What would you like to start with?”

I try to stay calm as I tell you the truth

My mistake was not my words

But how I said them instead

Through raw anger and hostility

That had built up over five years

I see you reach for the book

And open it to a random page

You ask me if I’ve ever noticed the portal between the pages

You tell me to do something new

You say “Read a book you’ve never read,

Try an activity you’ve never done.”

I shake my head and nearly shout,

“That is not what this meeting is about!

Why the hell are you dodging the situation?”

You shake your head and say, “You’re right,

Tell me what you want to say.”

I let it all out, I spill my feelings

But you sit there calmly

Not comforting me

Not saying a word

You’re not even surprised when I admit to medication and therapy

And I can’t help but wonder if you even care

So there I sit, photo album in my lap

With waterfalls cascading down my face

You dodge another subject and I’ve had enough

I stand and stare at you in disbelief

And find a lack of care in your eyes

I shake my head and whisper, “Get out,

I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

You follow me as I walk away

You try to hug me goodbye

And I struggle before giving up and breaking down in your arms

 

Then I suddenly wake up

And hope to the gods that our real one-on-one doesn’t end like the one in my dreams