Family

Who are you to call yourself my family?

This blood pumping through my veins means nothing.

You lie, you steal, you hit.

You yell and scream.

Yet pretend when there's company.

We can't let this little secret get out.

That we're as dysfunctional as all hell.

Those I call family are not by blood.

They are by heart and soul.

They are those who care.

Those who want me around.

My real family is different races.

My family is different or same ages.

It's people who love me.

People who want me to be happy.

Something you never wanted.

 

"Dear mother" I write one day

Just to expose your lack of trust

Your lack of boundaries

Tell me again how I'm an accident

But then take it away when I tell others

You claim to love me

You claim to care

Yet I was so emotionally abused

You blame my father

But he wasn't so cruel

You called me fat

Called me off-key

You read my diary.

Everything you did to me was in spite.

You never cared when I was depressed

You just told me to stop crying so loud.

You never saw the blood escaping my veins

You never heard my screams of pain.

Thanks to you, I have no confidence.

You yell at me, but pity others

My social anxiety

Is from you telling me no one is safe.

Men? Women? Who do I trust?

In your eyes, it's no one.

But what do you know?

You never learned who your daughter is.

You just yelled at me for what you see.

You never saw behind closed doors.

You never bothered to read my writings.

You ignored me the last time I tried.

This was two years ago.

Now you just yell at me because I hide it away.

Yet why should I show you?

You'll just say it's all lies.

Everything being based on my life.

Making you to be a villain.

You never take my side.

Unless the evidence is too strong.

You claim father abused me.

Yet you've done much worse.

For I do not know what confidence is.

I do not have self esteem.

You put me in therapy.

You put me on antidepressants.

You did this to me.

You made me this mess.

I cannot sing for I am "too loud"

We can't all hear dog whistles like you.

I can't laugh because I'm "too loud"

Yet all you do is cackle and scream.

If I fight back, I'm just over-reacting.

You never believe me anyways.

You claim to know everything about me.

Yet you don't even know how I eat.

What foods I like, and don't.

You claim I eat nothing but junk.

Yet you never bother to ask.

You just cook things you know I hate.

For turkey is too dry and ham too salty.

You tell me I'm just picky.

Why? Because vegetables are my style?

Because I don't live on salt and grease?

Fat and calories?

You told me I was fat as a child.

Now no matter what the scale says, it's too high.

150, 140, 130, 120 pounds slip away.

Nothing is small enough.

Eating one to two meals a day.

Was your plan to give me more disorders?

Anxiety, depression, ADHD, OCD.

What more do you want for me?

You claim you want me to be happy.

Yet you only seem to make me mad.

You don't listen to what I want.

What I need.

You only pay for my phone because you need it.

To keep an eye on me.

To track my every move.

I keep it off when I'm out.

Or pray I have no service.

I bring it just so you stay calm.

Yet I never use it.

It gets more use at home

When I'm begging friends to take me away.

Although I've lost most of them

Thanks to you

No one wants to be friends with me

The girl who's not allowed out.

The girl whose mother forbids it.

I wasn't allowed because it was raining.

I wasn't allowed because it was after 2 PM

Night plans I cannot have.

For I must be home by 8.

The sun isn't even down yet.

But I must be "safe" in bed.

I'm safer out and about.

Where you can't get to me.

Where my friends find me skinny.

Where people let me sing my heart out.

Where I can dress how I please.

"Home is where the heart is"

Then my home is my chest.

My home is where ever you aren't.

For you are not in my heart.

You are just in my mind.

Ruining me.

Silencing me.

Your voice burning in my brain.

Making me feel worthless.

Is this what you wanted?

For your only daughter to feel worthless?

But you're not alone in being cruel.

For your son is also to blame.

 

"Brother" how it burns my tongue.

Almost as deep as the hatred I feel.

Those hideous green eyes.

That disgusting smirk.

Does the rest of the world know you're a pervert?

Removing innocence at 3 years old

You scarred me for life.

Showed me things a child should not see.

You. In women's clothes.

Swimsuits, underwear.

All oversized.

You found this perfect.

You used this to destroy me.

Forcing me in with you.

A child should not see those things.

The uncut abomination.

I was merely a child.

You broke me.

Forced me to stay there.

Under that uncomfortable fabric.

Until you heard voices.

Then I was set free.

To try to piece together what had happened.

By myself

A child

Who are you to call yourself my family?

Forcing open doors when I was unpresentable.

Whether it be dressing or using the restroom.

Laughing when I'd cry and slam the doors.

Learning to pick locks so you could continue to do so.

With age, it only got worse.

Not letting me go despite my screams.

I hate you.

And while you never physically harmed me down there

I saw more than I needed.

You constantly exposing yourself.

Constantly being in my bedroom.

You stole my clothes.

Stole my underwear.

Stole my soul.

Yet I was the one to get in trouble.

Because "mother dearest" saw me awake.

"Why are you up so late?" She'd scold.

God, it was getting old.

The older I got, the stronger I tried to feign.

Despite you knocking out my teeth.

Giving me cuts and bruises.

Punching, kicking, smacking, hitting.

Threatening to take my life.

I stayed standing.

I learned to fight back.

Nails long enough to leave scars.

You can't go that far.

I've left some deep marks.

Across your arms, your throat, your face.

Only to land me in more trouble.

Even though it was you trying to harm me.

Trying to destroy my things.

Stealing from me.

Selling what you stole.

I now have to lock everything away.

Games, money, clothes, jewelry.

What kind of life is that?

Locking everything away to keep it safe.

I should be safe in my own room.

Yet I am not.

You always knew what I was looking at online.

Yelling at me for it.

But never saying why.

You ruined my childhood.

You deserve to burn.

I hate you with every fiber of my being.

And you are not my family.

 

Family are those I love.

Whether they be in Tennessee or in Connecticut.

Rhode Island or floating around.

Family is who greets me with a smile.

Family are those who comfort me.

Not throw me to the side.

Family listens and watches.

Not steals and blames.

My family is not in this house.

For my family has no distinct home.

They are all over.

But they are also close.

They treat me like a human.

Not some savage beast.

My anger lets them know I'm upset.

Unlike you who thinks it's a test.

I'm done trying to prove myself to you.

To this "family" who only wants me dead.

My real family cares.

My same age "dad" who sings with me

My "brother" and "sister" who look nothing like me.

My "cousin" who's a year older.

He'll be the one walking me down the aisle.

My "sister" who at once was my "brother".

I love her to pieces

For she gives me strength.

My "sister" from the south

Who wants nothing more than me alive.

For we've saved each other.

From dysfunction

From hatred

From ourselves.

My family is this bunch of friends.

Who mean much more than you.

My family loves me unconditionally.

So why do you disown me after one mistake?

The answer to that is quite simple.

For you are not my family anymore.