Revascularization

This crazy old heart of mine has reawakened, somehow..

Over the past six months or so

I have been growing older, been moving on without the likes of all the he's, the hims, the HOES of my past...and, of that I have grown old...

I'm tired

I have undergone a complete revascularization ....my heart is so ready now..

Just before the Autumn leaves have all died and have fallen

Just in time for the brutal Winter chill that will set in way too soon 

Ten or more Moons have waxed and waned..have returned to their darkness, leaving me all alone with nothing more than fading, distant memories

I have been made aware, I know that living vicariously through all the stories of my life before is certainly not the wisest way to embrace the now..

A handful of hot boys got a hold of me somewhere along my roads, and embedded their intricate talismans upon my soul somehow...

Marking their territory the way that real men do

Entering my inner realm through the twisting of their bastard screws

Leaving me all Ga-ga..stuck in a Lala Land that was more like a filthy chicken coop underneath its surface..

Wallowing in the tears of my own sorrow like a pig wallows in its own poop

Coming here , over a thousand miles from them has become my therapy

The chance to regain trust in others by regaining the trust in myself

The only way I could get my head out of my ass and regroup

Heal

Maintain, somewhat, my sanity...my sanctity

With the omnipotent Creator...within ME..

The revascularization  of my most valuable organs...my blood pumps correctly through my veins now..

Just waiting for the Spirits of the Ancestors to give me my cue...

Noticing all of the signals and signs...

Trying to recapitulate my mistakes and remember how I did so when I wake from my dreams..

Not long ago, I remember seeing him...the main bastard apple of my eye..when he waved it was like he had to pry his fingertips to do so...

A courtesy smirk with a insincere wave...he said hi but in dreams its all telepathy...

As crazy as it sounds, it has been the only thing that has saved me from falling back into a dismal abyss..

As crazy as it is, I still miss them all...

I have nobody but myself to blame for allowing myself to fall so deeply into that shit they call "LOVE"....

As above, so below...indeed.....

October 21, 2018