A letter to my EX best friend

 To my best friend, not so best friend anymore.....

We've lost touch. We still have two classes together but we barely talk. Today I sat by you in English, you yelled at me for calling your new girlfriend/best friend ugly. You told me to stop being a bully. You don't know this but I cried about that. I wanted to scream at you to tell you I'm not okay. To ask you why I wasn't good enough. To ask you why you picked her. She gives her heart to every guy but you. She doesn't deserve you. At that moment I wanted you to hug me and ask if I was okay. For me to tell you all my problems as I used too. I wanted to tell you I'm not okay. That my mom and I are fighting every single day. That I feel like a mistake; disappointment. That my brother is leaving tomorrow. That my biological dad and I are in contact. That I have nightmares about him every night. I wanted to tell you how empty and how I'm slowly falling apart again. I wanted to tell you how this disease is slowly killing me and I'm scared. How Sinai and I were going to see each other for the first time in a year, the first time I had hope but then we weren't able too and it ripped me apart. I wanted to tell you I can barely make it through one day without a panic attack, and that I can barely stay clean anymore; that I feel so alone in this world. But... I didn't. I just sat there and listened to you defend her as a part of me died. It had felt like you punched me in my throat and I couldn't speak. I didn't because you have her now. You used to defend me like that, tell me everything, hang out with me. But I messed that up, didn't I? I mess everything up. So I will keep living my life like nothing like it doesn't tear me apart inside.

-With all of my heart, Maira.