i wrote this for you

i wrote this for you
did you know that?

i had been writing
for you since the first time
we met at ten years old
and i fell in love
with every part of you
and i wrote for you
until i fell out of love
like air rushing back into
my lungs after holding my breath
for years and years

i wrote this for you
not quite a poem
but little snippets here and there
keeping you up because 
time zones and insomnia
calling you “my love”
and meaning it with all my being
in the way only a child can
and i am still asking myself why
it ended the way it did
when did you stop loving me?
why did you stop loving me?

i wrote this for you
probably the first time
i ever tried to rhyme in a poem
and it was terrible
but i meant every word
every time i said i love you
every letter you sent me
that i tacked to my wall
we are going to meet in person
and i am going to snot and cry
all over you dammit

i wrote this for you
when you still loved me
still wanted me
what felt like more than you did
when i thought i was your daughter
and we would meet for lunch
and when you hugged me
you smelled like i did
when i was a child
and hadn’t seen you in months
that quickly became years
i felt safe in your arms
but i think i’m afraid of you now

i wrote this for you
and it was too romantic 
for who you are
for who we are
as people and as a friends
and i told you i loved you
with my arms around your neck
because i thought i wouldn’t see
you again and i still wonder if
you heard me
but i’m not going to ask

i wrote this for you
with your hair bright as flames
eyes sparkling in the sun
you always smell like home
and i want to carry that with me
all the time because it makes
me feel safe
and loved

you make me feel 
safe and loved

and i wrote this for you
with ink smeared on my
fingertips and my wrists
like the colors used to be when
i was a young boy
and some of it hurt
but more of it made me smile