Tell Me A Story

Comments1

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  Tamara Beryl Latham - The Poet November 20th, 2018 18:10

  Naomi, you've written these lines from the heart, so from that perspective it is an enjoyable read.
  
  Yet, I have one question on the last verse. You state your eyes won't open, then you say "You need to come and put me to sleep."
  
  If your eyes are already closed, didn't you mean you need to come to awaken me?
  
  Just wondering. I still liked your poem. 🙂

  • 

    NaomiRayneNovember 20th, 2018 18:29

    Thanks so much, but I see what you mean. When I talk about my eyes not opening it's not as literal as the line about sleeping, it's more so me just being closed off to actually finding him but it's confusing and frustrating because as it mentioned right before that, I keep looking for him.
    Sorry if that doesn't help haha does that explain it ok?
    
    I guess I could say more of- "I keep looking out for you, but will regret the moment you're ever insight"
    
    Should I change it to that line?
    Thanks again so much for your thoughts!

  • 

    Tamara Beryl Latham - The PoetNovember 20th, 2018 18:44

    "I guess I could say more of- "I keep looking out for you, but will regret the moment you're ever insight"
    
    Should I change it to that line"
    
    ***No. You mean, ' you're ever in my sight. ' Or, maybe you could use you are forever in my sight.
    
    Insight as a noun means perception, awareness, comprehension, or understanding. If you cannot replace "insight" in your sentence with one of the synonyms I've listed you cannot use it.
    
    Think of another way to re-write that sentence. Hope this is helpful.