Strength

I just need someone to listen,
I just need someone to understand.
My life is better now
but the thoughts still go through my head.
Everyday is a challange
I use my skills,
I look into the mirror and lie to myself still.

You are pretty,
You can do this,
You ARE unstoppable
and no matter how much I prove to myself these three things I don't believe them.
I dont think its inside of me,
It's so contrudicting in so many ways.

I do know I am capable of many things,
I do know I can do anything.
No matter how much I am thrown to the ground I always get up,
but why do I still feel this way?
I tell myself to keep pushing
I focus on my goals,
I sit here silently dealing with this war with myself...

I want to throw the white flag,
I want to turn the bullets to my head,
I want to throw a tantrum and smash everyones heads.
But I cant
I won't,
I have a little boy to survive for.
So I push and push and make tons of money.
I paid six thousand dollars worth just to the county.

The right way
Im sober too,
People look at me and dont have a clue.
Look into my eyes
See the pain,
See that I am finally tamed,
I just want all this judgement to go away.
It won't,
Thats what I need to realize.
People will never applaud you
because they dont want you to survive.
It's one on one and I will win.
Someday this smile will heal my sins.