I didn't see the rainbow

It was a black day when I died.
Like a stormy sky but less exciting,
Just this simple black and grey,
No thunder claps or lightning.
Nothing really new there,
Just another dark and dreary day,
For me it's part of the furniture, 
The world has always been this way.

I'd chosen this day myself,
I had finally had enough,
No more black for me, no sir,
My life, I easily snuffed.
It was only as I left,
My husk of a body behind,
That I noticed the colours beneath,
The ones that were harder to find.

The red showed moments of passion,
Love for people or other things,
My obsession for reading and art,
Of packages tied up with string.
Or love in my heart for my brother,
Who I looked up to with such awe,
Who now sat in his room bewildered,
That his little sister was no more.

The orange showed fun and adventure,
The times I climbed trees with friends,
The roller-costers ridden with dad,
The fun I thought never would end.
The jokes dad and I played on mum,
When we laughed till our sides ached,
Now he's punched a hole in the wall,
His body now shivers and quakes.

The yellow came through bright and happy,
Showing moments of joy in my life,
Like when my boyfriend said that he,
Really did want me for a wife.
The times I shared with him,
How we laughed and loved together,
Now he cries and cries and cries,
Ignoring comfort from his mother.

Green is bright and springy,
Reminds me of growth and gardening,
The thing my Gran loved the most
As well as cooking and singing.
She and I would potter about,
She'd tell me all the flowers names,
Now she wails and sobs on the floor,
Tears pour onto old picture frames.

Blue comes cool and peaceful,
Like times when I felt at ease,
With the friend I felt comfortable with,
To be able to just sit and read.
We spent so much time together,
Laughing as I play the tease,
Now she clutches the necklace I bought her,
As she desperately tries to breathe.

Indigo comes so gently,
Almost as if its asleep,
Reminding me of my cat,
Funny, sweet and carefree.
We would cuddle up close on the sofa,
Her soft fur brushing my cheek,
Now she can't understand where I've gone,
And why I won't give her my knee.

Violet now comes with a bang,
Its always been mums favourite colour.
Sometimes she'd let me paint her nails,
She'd remind me to drink in the summer.
I loved to let her style my hair,
And did my best to listen to advice,
Now she rocks back and forth on the bed,
Crying that her baby's died.

The rainbow of colours together,
All the wonderful things that I missed,
Too focused on all of the black,
Not noticing all of the bliss.
Now I'm gone and I can't get it back,
And I've broken the people I loved.
My death didn't solve anything,
Why couldn't it all be enough?

I wish I could go back in time,
Stop the pain I'm causing them all,
The tears and wails and screams,
Echo through my minds walls.
More colours appear now,
Ones that I missed before,
New memories growing and growing,
Stop, I don't want to see more.

Pink shows the daughters of friends,
Who looked up to me like a sister,
Now all confused as to why,
Their mums are talking in whisper.
When they finally understand,
They stare in shock at the ground,
I've scarred them for life haven't I?
Hurt them without even being around.

Silver shines bright and precious,
Like the jokes my Granddad told,
All the smiles he brought to the room,
All the comments worth more than gold.
The way he loved making me laugh,
And holding me close to his chest,
He may never smile again,
He's broken, just like the rest

White appears before me,
I see them and feel myself groan,
Huddled up in a room all together,
But looking as though they're alone.
The noise is a heartbreaking music,
A melody filled with such pain,
As they mourn for me, over and over,
Souls buckling under the strain.

I'm watching them go through such torture,
And I know that I am the cause,
If only I had been stronger,
If I had just thought to pause,
To look at the colours around me,
Rather than only the black,
I should have noticed how much they all meant,
But now, there is no going back.