Guns and cannons

When I say I'm done with something I'm never really done. I say that I'm done because I have to temporally shut down and reboot before I tried to attempt to fix something that's shattered. When I shut down there is never a for sure way to tell if I'm going to come back normal. Every time I do come back it seems that some part of me changes, whether it's big or small, it just changes. It's almost like there's a second person inside of me, a really overly caring and needy person. That person is tucked away in the closet of my emotions and rarely gets to come out. I keep this person hidden for the sole purpose of not feeling vulnerable and easily hurt. I don't like to feel capable of feeling even if it includes something good or magical in some sort of odd sense. So when I come back from my temporary shut down most people don't seem to notice how much I've really changed inside, but that's because an emotional microscope hasn't been invented yet. The only people that I've really known to take time to really notice that I'm, not me, rather just the needy person inside me, are my closest friends. Those two close friends really know how to dig into me to get the real me out. I don't like bringing out the real me in front of my friends due to the fact that she can be quite scary at times. She can be angry and snap about the people she really cares about or she might shut out those people. those close friends, because she's trying to stop herself from rebooting. Only the people that genuinely care about me have stuck around with me even though I could be a complete bitch. They know that it isn't the real me, it's more of the version of me that I show to people because being emotionally vulnerable causes problems for me. When I'm subjected to my own emotions ill fall apart or shut down but never both. When I do fall apart I do it well and I do it silently. I learned over time that I can have a meltdown and still manage to make people think I'm just quite but it works if they believe that I have my shit together. When they think that I don't get approached and I can relax inside even though I want to let all my emotions pour out and crumble to the floor like a cookie into the carpet, the carpet of vulnerability and support from other people. I would like to let my self let other people support me but at the same time I don't want to let out my emotions, I like to shut my self down and out because I'm old enough to where I think I can manage my own shit. I can handle my own problems but I can only take care of them to a certain point before my mind starts a war with its self.  When I fight my battles by myself there's a nice feeling in the loneliness because if it's in my own head then it's my problem and my problem only. That has always been my way of thinking ever since I was 15 years old. I started thinking about things in that sense after being nieve took me into a blissful circle of hidden sadness behind kisses and deceitfulness. Ever since then I've never been the same, my guard is always up and my emotions build up guns and cannons and prepare to fire at any moment they may need to. So when someone says they're fine just know that they are not always fine rather than their emotions may be fine but they are crumbling to pieces before your eyes.