miscarriage

never in all my years have i thought that my womb would become a death bed.  when my child died i think my spirit died along with it. how do i cope with the loss of someone i didn't even get to know? i've never felt so empty. i want to carry life again. i want to feel alive again.

i haven't slept much. when i'm finally able to i'm haunted by the same nightmare; a small, helpless, beautiful creature who never got a chance, resting peacefully in a sac of fluid. every unsuccessful attempt at a good night's sleep leads to tears becoming acquainted with my pillow. i try to sob silently so my lover doesn't hear. i know his heart aches just as bad as mine. we've lost a life that we both so lovingly created. a life that neither of us or anyone else can be a part of. i wonder if he dreams of what we had & what could've been while he sleeps.

i had to deliver the bad news to loved ones & it made my heart break all over again. i watched the excitement that used to be in their eyes turn into despair. i could hear the sadness in their voices when they told me "i'm sorry." but i feel sorry for them. not only do i feel like i let my baby down but i let everyone else down as well. the guilt sits in my stomach like a belly ache. i can't help but feel like i did something wrong. did i fail as a woman?

miscarriages are nature's cruelest act. i know i'll eventually find the strength to try again. but for now, there's only one heart beating inside of me.