The Story of a Father and His First Son

I say your name out loud with arms wide open
I hear thunder, Heaven's gates have opened
I see your reflection across the horizon
You look at me,  I feel your compassion
I no longer fear that you’re getting closer.

I am your first son born decades ago
Sometimes I wish I had never been born
I now have the courage to speak the truth
I no longer fear disappointing you
The cultural blocks that stood in our way
And didn’t allow us to get any closer
Time has passed, it’s a brand new day
So let you and I get to know one another.

As the Earth needs the Sun to stay in its path
I need your wisdom to guide me through life
I always missed a father's affection
I felt an unfounded sense of rejection
But again the Sun never fails the Earth
As it guides its orbit all across deep space
No matter what happens the Sun never fails
To guide the blue planet through the stellar maze.

While still very young I erected a wall
To protect your name in every possible way
I kept you in the dark to spare you of the pain
From the things I’ve done and the way I’ve lived.

I stand before you, not as your little boy
But as a broken man filled with sadness
Without a desire to find love or happiness
Because I truly believe that I don’t deserve it
I'm not the son you imagined as a young man
Or the child who’d grow up to proudly mark
The birth of a dynasty that would bear your name
With as many descendants as there’re stars in the sky.

As a child by your side, you always expressed
A mysterious concern about the way I behaved
I could never be the son that you wanted
I was never the one who could make you happy
Or the son you could trust to continue the work
That started the day you married my mother.

The role of a man has changed over time
In the same way history defines who we are
I know that these concepts in you are defined
So I need you to see the world through my eyes...

When I was a child I could never escape
The expectations of those I loved and respected
I tried really hard to conform to the rules
That I learned from you and others who raised me
It was clear to me at a very young age
What excited most boys just didn't excite me
I then realized that the feelings I had
I could never let go or live out in the open.

To protect myself I started to lie
And pretend to be just like the others
But as time went by it was clear to me
I could no longer hide what I was becoming
I slowly distanced myself from you
And kept myself safe
Within the confines of a castle
That as a child I built
The walls were tall, impenetrable, invincible...
It protected me from a hostile world
I was truly convinced it could never accept me.

Year after year I desperately waited
To find the right way to defeat this fear
The risk of exposure became overwhelming
As the years passed we became perfect strangers
I never had to come up with  answers
Because for my sake you didn’t ask any questions.

And one summer day God took you away
I had no time to explain myself
I’ll always regret not having the courage
To stand before you and tell you my story
Or perhaps the guilt and the decades-old shame
Of standing before you after so many years
May have been the reason I kept at a distance
The fact still remains that as a son I failed
I should have been closer during your golden years.

So now I'm condemned to scream in silence
And the sound of this anguish
Crashes against the void that exists in my chest
And the echo I constantly hear
Tortures me every single day
Because my love for you could not overcome
This powerful sense of guilt and fear.

That's why I ask you to please forgive me
Because now I know that your love for me
Was pure, true and unconditional
And now that you're part of the stars up in heaven
And you're not limited by the natural order
You're part of a world that's real and surreal
The world I can see
And a world I can't see
The past, present and the future in front of me
And with all that power
That God has put in your hands
Protect me from the danger
That seduces me day after day
And is determined to never let me go
Bless me, father, silently
Across time and space
Until our lives cross again
When we will be brought together
By the power of love that exists
Between a father and his first son.