If Ever I Get A Girl Again.

I haven't been out with a girl for years
Now maybe you think I'm slow?
but that's not the reason, I'll tell you why
I'm particular, you'll know?
Now some girls are 2 a penny,
the others a halfpenny each.
I don't want them the girls I seek
must be a perfect peach
there not too tall
there not too short
there not too thick or thin.
She must come out
When she shouldn't have gone in.
She shouldn't have too much,
too much behind
much too little in front
if ever I get a girl again
That's the girl I want.
Now I heard about this girl called May,
they said she was quite a catch.
She was only 5ft 5 they say
with golden hair to match
but when I met her in the woods
I knew I'd been sold a pup
cause she was taller lying down
than she was when she was standing up.
Then I met Racheal Rosenbloom
an Irish girl from Wales.
She had a face like a summer's morn,
And a shape like a bag of nails.
Could I only see your face I said
I never knew that love would grow,
so bring your sweet face to me
and leave your body at home.
Yes, Nell was a bookmakers daughter
on the day she was born there was trouble
in addition to Nell
came to a sister as well
Nell's mother had brought up a double
Nell was the eldest twin sister,
but by only 2 minutes at most
and the other they reckon
came in a good second,
but Nelly was first past the post
Poor father went wild when he heard there were 2
he was found in a pub drinking gin
he said I'll get tight
won't go home tonight
in case any more runners come in
but, the sister was not a long liver
though the girl was as strong as a haddock
till one day on the course
she was kicked by a horse
between the course and the paddock.
Now Nellie's grew up into lady hood,
she's buxom and all out in full bloom,
and she's useful to dad on the race course
By parking, betting slips down her bazaar.
yes, it's a sight to see Nelly on the racecourse
her beauty cannot be concealed
and all the young knobs
Bet there 10 bobs and see Nelly led in a field.
Yes. all the young blood's fall for Nelly
though many against used to warn her
cause he knew if they placed 
one arm around her waist
They'd be halfway to Tottenham Street corner.
One day Nell's day said I'm in trouble
I've got a thousand on black- pudding to win
now I hear they're all backing gallons
at all cost to save Nellie's old skin,