Peace in the Darkness

When I was little, shark week was my favorite week of the year.

I would mark it on my calendar and cross off the days leading up to it. And for that one week, I became a cushion on my living room couch.

No one dared to change the channel.

 

From that day forward, I dreamed of the day I got to climb into a cage and submerge into the darkness of the water to be one with the beasts of the ocean.

Did you catch that?

I dreamed of the day I got to be locked in a cage- underwater- unable to escape from the things that have been called some of the world’s deadliest beasts.

 

And now, I’m in a cage that is submerged in water-

Sharks surrounding me.

I am in their territory; yet, they don’t attack.

They just swim around me:

They observe me observing them.

 

They stick around long enough for me to grow attached.

They make it impossible for me to not grow more intrigued.

 

I let myself sink a little deeper into the darkness of the water.

I want to see more:

I want to be one with the creatures of the ocean.

Because down here it’s quiet-

I don’t have to face the loudness of what's just above the surface.

 

Down here, I’m alone- I’m at peace.

 

 

My oxygen tank is running low.

I can feel my body fighting to function.

 

I hear the people on the boat tell me it’s time to come up.

I feel the water pressing down on my head-

I’m rising.

Before I know it, I’m no longer with the beasts.

 

I feel angry.

I feel out of place.

After being submerged in the darkness and the quiet of the ocean, I don’t want to be above the surface-

I’m not ready to face the world.

 

I grab the new tank and crawl back into my cage.

I sink further down into the depths of the ocean.

 

As I begin to lower foot by foot, I can see the sharks again-

They’re beautiful-

They’re peaceful.

 

They just swim.

They just watch me watch them-

and I watch them let me watch them.

 

I’ve never felt more at ease.

I’ve never felt more free.

I could stay here forever.

It’s so quiet and so carefree.

Nothing can hurt me here.

 

I close my eyes for a second to absorb the peace.

When I open them again, the sharks are gone.

 

I feel alert.

I’m no longer at peace.

My adrenaline is pumping. 

I don’t want to be in this cage anymore.

I’m ready to go to the surface.

 

I call my people on the boat,

They begin to pull me to safety.

But it’s too late.

 

They’re attacking.

They came from the darkness that is still below me.

 

The sharks that I’ve been admiring-

That I’ve found peace in-

They're coming all at once.

They swim up from below me and attack my rising cage.

 

In this moment,

I don’t know how I’ve ever found peace in this sinking cage-

With all sebeasts surrounding me.

 

I’ve never been more scared.

I wish I would’ve stayed on the boat with my people.

I wish I would've been more willing to stay emerged in the air.

 

But I didn’t, and now I’m here:

Sharks attacking the cage I threw myself into.

 

I no longer have control.

 

I try to get out,

But the cage's decline is too rapid.

 

My body urges for real air.

My desire is no longer to be submerged in the “peace” of this darkness,

But to be in the light-

And face what urged me to grow so dangerously intrigued with these beasts.

 

But there's no way out.

 

I’m trapped in a drowning cage in the middle of the ocean.

My people are right above me,

But they can no longer help.

They no longer know I need help.

 

No one can hear my screams because I can no longer scream.

When I open my mouth, I ingest water.

And that water floods to my lungs.

 

When I try to push out the water that is on the verge of drowning me,

It only forces more in.

The more i try, the more the water burns every inch of my body.

 

Before I know it,

I crash.

I am now on the bottom of the ocean floor.

 

As a final attempt, I try to break the latch.

I try to escape and fight my way to the surface,

But the latch won’t budge.

 

My new tank is now empty.

There’s no oxygen left for it to give me.

I’m running on conserved air,

But that will only last seconds.

 

In these seconds, I leave my body.

I become a shark.

I observe the body that once observed the beasts that lead to its end.

 

I see myself sink to the bottom of the cage.

I watch myself run out of all the air in my body.

 

I witness the body that was once mine,

Suck in what it thought was air,

But wound up being the thing that made the inevitable finally happen:

Drowning in a cage submerged in water and darkness.

 

When the last of the air in my lungs is replaced with water,

I am no longer a shark.

I’m back in my body.

 

I only have minutes before I’ve gone without air long enough

To be considered dead.

 

In these last moments,

I don’t wish for someone to have been able to save me.

I know no one was capable of stopping that cage from sinking.

 

In the end,

Death has saved me from the beasts that have threatened me from the time I was that little girl who couldn’t miss that one week of beastly creatures.

 

From the second I no longer have air in my lungs,

I am once again, at peace.

I have found the quiet after all the waterboarded screams for help.

 

In my last moments,

I no longer hold fear in my heart for the beasts that live in the darkest waters;

For my heart is no longer beating;

It is as cold as the waters that home the creatures,

I entered the cage to see.

 

...

 

My body is in a cage at the bottom of the ocean.

It no longer recognizes fear.

It no longer feels pain.

It no longer drowns in the darkness of the waters.

My body- my mind- my soul is finally at peace.