MY DRAGON IS MY DAD

Hi dad, it's me, your baby girl.

When I came into your life I had hopes and dreams.

I hoped for happiness, acceptance and understanding.

I hoped for peace, warmth and stability.

I hoped you would hold my hand as I grew up.

I hoped you would be there when the sun set for me and the light behind the clouds seemed forever lost.

I dreamt you would be my hero, my knight in shining armor.

I dreamt you would be my friend, my confidant my mentor.

I dreamt you would be my teacher, my guide and light of my life,

I dreamt you would lovingly showing me how to mature into an adult

I dreamt you would accept me through my most rebellious days

I needed you to teach me how to stand on my own

I needed you to teach me to own that space in the world that's solely mine

I needed you to teach me to live up to my responsibilities

I needed you to teach me appropriate speech and behavior

I needed you to teach me how to stand up for myself

I needed you to teach me boundaries and how to protect myself

I needed you to teach me right from wrong.

I needed you to be there when my life fell apart

I needed your support and understanding through my darkest days and nights

I needed your comfort and love when I fell into the abyss

I needed your tenderness and understanding when there was none

I needed you to save me from my darkest scariest monsters

I needed your encouragement, your praise, your recognition, your honesty and security

I needed you to believe in me and my potential

But most of all, I needed to you to show me that I matter to you

Not because of what I do or what I wear or what I think or my friends, my music, my marks in school or my choices

I needed to know that I matter to you but because I'm your little girl

I now know that you couldn't be that person for me,

I know you struggled to just catch your breathe

I know you struggled not to succumb to the darkness, the loneliness, the solitude and the silence

I now understand that you craved happiness, acceptance, peace and stability just as badly as I hoped for it.

Dad, now that I am a teenager know, that little girl inside of me still needs you to be my hero,

But, how can I explain to you how it hurts when you now reach back to me now without acknowledging the pain, the hurt and void you gave me?

How can I show you that without accountability, there can be no healing?

How can I show you that our relationship mirrors that of the men in my life?

How can I show you that as much as I love you and as much as I would to let you in,

I still need to be unconditionally loved, accepted, praised, encouraged and supported.

I still need my boundaries to be considered and respected.

Dad, do you understand my struggles and now,

I wish for healing, hope and clarity that I found.

I wish for the strength to withstand the tests I face in life.

I wish the peace I so desperately crave and the love that's gone missing for so many years.