No lentil beans before bedtime unless...

(alternately titled: unrelenting flatulence)

Ya wanna count bajillion sheep,

but tween gluteus maximus powerful

natural gas explosions during sleep

(ass suspected source) – courtesy missus

she served me lentil beans piled outsize heap

sinister been off fish shunt ploy

spouse I may no longer keep,

cuz dream house went up in flames

reduced to ashes smoldering (Uriah hit) heap

an feeble attempt made to extinguish courtesy

urination which suddenly found me awoke

moments ago groggily awakened out deep

slumber out requisite snooze,

cuz I bean dog tired exhausted fuel

driving one clunky body electric jeep

wee hours way after midnight night owl

in case ya give fig yore hot heave hoot

blasted tremendously nonstop

rendering air to smell foul

while my little chickadee evinced similar

disposition, she too did pepper her muttering

with expletives, and did growl

snarling evidenced yours truly espied scowl

unrepentant and threatened to apply dowel

well, I need not specify, "a" specific vowel

one cheeky spouse,

would find yours truly to howl

no pretty picture me bean

while slowly turning unnatural green,

henceforth rushed to emergency room

whereby team of alien specialists,

who casually did primp and preen

mistaking convincingly verdant colored

hue man as martian ready for Halloween,

and said practitioners loathe to intervene

reckoning yours truly -

with other worldly mien,

would conveniently scare bejesus

among any hooligan tween

ready and willing to cause mischief

while prowling for methamphetamine,

or other drug of choice

one motley crew member seen

dodging, evading, fording... police

eventually cornered unlike Steve McQueen

(the late actor), who escapes behind screen

of smoke unscathed unlike

formerly acquitted, alluded mean

and aforementioned hoodlum

who suffers gunshot wound

rushed to same hospital

lay disabled fugitive ruffian took lead

fired into buttucks bullet punctured

evident by derriere oozing bloodshed

as self, both us nearly dead,

asthma doppelganger wed

did in sweat upon abdomen,
now aching pain in ass spread red
hot poker radiating throbbing inside

excruciating did quickly thread

into noggin i.e. fifty shades red
dully permeated gray matter

inducing severe agony with head,

though mustered energy to scrawl

obituary envisioning said

on same page as op/ed

gallows humor sought instead

of relief courtesy synthesized drug,

thus laughter as best medicine

linkedin chowing down unsuspected bean

dish licked plate sparkling clean

mental note made to avoid

eating flatulence inducing food

prepared Das daring "frau" faux Queen,

though I certainly also enjoy keen

wah filling up growling hungry void,

and... appealing to this bonafide android

gluten free textured meals direction I lean.