Memories of Hawaii

Some people think that Hawaii is a gorgeous sun-drenched island
Set in the mid-Pacific, well how stupid can you get?
It's a whole collection of islands, some bigger than the others
And some crawling with rubber-necking ill-dressed tourists,
Eager to have their credit crunch dollars repossessed
In return for nameless and unmentionable erotic services.
O glorious and wondrous state of Hawaii (which used to have
such a rather pretty flag with a nice Union Jack in the corner)
Where every discotheque is equipped with a stairlift and reinforced ramp
To accommodate the fattest yet horniest travellers in the world,
Laden with wreaths and lei cheaply imported from Taiwan,
And stuffed full of giant-size McDonalds Beef-'n'-Pineapple-Burgers
Their bowels ready to discharge a turd the size of a guava.

I was sitting on a deckchair on my balcony at the Waikiki Sheraton
(mainly minding my own business, wearing my open-crotch swimsuit),
Together with my seriously perverted Uncle-in-Law Emmanuel
Who had persuaded me to half-crucify him to the bathroom door
In order to liven up his day before another nocturnal orgy,
Trying to blot out the tuneless spewings of a load of Mexican serenaders
Doing a cha-cha-cha version of Alohe Oe on their stolen bongos
Twenty storeys below me, watched by a crowd of gawping Japs,
Taking mobile phone photos faster than a fish could fart.

But my sojourn in this peaceful Pacific paradise on earth
Was tragically interrupted by the door to my luxurious suite
Being broken open by a gang of screaming Filipino maids
Who, insulted at Uncle Emmanuel's stingy tipping policy,
After they had given him an unstinted night of tantric sex,
Sought horrid revenge on his ugly, white, emaciated body.
Singing a Tagalog a capella version of a rap hula chant,
They ripped his crucified form off the bathroom door
And hurled it over the balcony in atavistic stupor.
Wow, but I was marginally surprised by this turn of events,
So I wisely offered them a generous gratuity in advance
For a stunning selection of sexual services before fucking off
And leaving me alone with a giant Daiquiri or two.

As I lay on the balcony in post-orgasmic contemplation,
Carefully picking the more visible crabs out of my damp pubic hair,
I came to the conclusion that I may as well check out
Before the local cops came to enquire about the mangled corpse
Lying on the concrete one hundred and forty feet below.
In any case, the sun was going down over Diamond Head,
And I was totally shagged out after those saucy Filipinos.
O, it's a hard life being an intrepid international traveller
(and I was anxious to avoid the costs of Uncle Manny's funeral
as I had heard Hawaiian undertakers are quite expensive,
since most coffins are built double-size to accommodate
the coronary cases of the average obese Texan visitor).
I doubt I shall return to Hawaii as I tend to get indigestion
When I see the asking price of a decent bottle of wine.