Memories of New Orleans

Ah, how I recall my trip to New Orleans, sweaty centre of elegant decay,
In the company of my voodoo-priestess mistress, Marie Laveau IV,
Five times winner of the "Big Easy" internet dating contest
(reflecting her accommodating nature and sublime lack of morals).

O mes amis, you perchance think New Orleans is a graceful city,
Full of tasty gumbos, overflowing with Crawfish à la Créole,
And probably an ideal lieu for a good horny session d'amour
After a gallon of Mint Julep at the Cafe du Monde with your lady-love.

But there is another, darker side to this city, mais oui, mais oui,
Believe me, I know, I have been there and I have seen it,
And the memory of the unimaginable horrors I experienced
Is forever imprinted in my poor bloody Anglo-Saxon synapses.

We were wandering through the Quarter one balmy evening
Having just celebrated the charming Mardi Gras celebrations
By sharing a bigger and better blow-job than Hurricane Katrina
In the gents' toilet at Preservation Hall, when tragedy struck.

Out of bleeding nowhere, a gang of ill-dressed obese Pentacostalists,
Seething with righteous resentment at the licentiousness
Which surrounded them at every twist and turn of the street,
Leaped on us and dragged my half-stoned mistress away.

Oh Lordy, Lordy, I could hear Marie's helpless screams quite clearly
From my secure refuge near the top of a convenient elm tree;
And, upon my cautious descent (much later), I found her sad remains,
Filleted from head to toe, comme une poule frite de Louisiane.

And for what? Were they envious of her glorious false hairpiece?
Were they maddened by the fascinating odour of cheap perfume
Exotically mixed with semen which emanated from her every pore?
Who knows? But I can tell you it totally fucking wrecked my evening.

Thus, I am forced to come to a marginally cowardly admission:
I shall probably never return to the fair city on the Mississippi,
Belle Dame of the delta, and one additional reason must be given:
The pong from the antiquated sewers on Rampart Street ain't too nice.