Memories of Sydney

People think that Sydney is a wonderful Southern city
Full of kangaroos, koalas, black stumps and beach babes
And prawns jumping about happily as they fry on the barbie
(knowing they will soon disappear down the old gullet
heading towards a plump Aussie (pron. Ozzy) belly full of chilled beer
Before heading towards Dee-Why Beach sewage outfall).

But I know a darker side to this Antipodean paradise
And now I shall reveal a glimpse of its total horror
As it happened to me not so very bloody long ago.
We were there, quite near historic Circular Quay,
Having just attended a cultural jamboree at that Oz icon,
The swinging Sydney Opera House (how I enjoyed the depleted Bee Gees
and that nice Australian painting chap with his tied down kangaroo
in a pub with no beer, I wish I could remember his name
although I know for a fact he was very fond of kiddywinkies
Possibly more than was good for him, ho ho ho).

We were walking along en route to have a few tinnies in Kings Cross
With some new mates we'd scored for in the interval bar,
Me and my heavily muscled and deeply tanned seven foot high
Utterly gorgeous new bisexual Australian girlfriend Germaine,
When total tragedy struck pretty well unexpectedly out of the blue.
Jesus H. Christ, you could have knocked me down with a cockatoo’s bum-feather.

A gang of bollock-naked retarded Bondi surfers (noses smothered in zinc cream)
Suddenly surged out of a trendy new Vietnamese karaoke bistro,
Spicy garlic sauce dripping down their cheeks onto their bulging, over-packed thongs,
And without so much as a vowel-mangled mis-pronounced Aussie "'G’day, mate",
They grabbed giant Germaine and carted her off to her horrid doom
In that lovely leafy suburb Pennant Hills (postcode NSW 2120)
To disembowel her upside-down in a refugee hut off the Boundary Road
In order to celebrate Halloween in a slightly unusual yet caring way,.
With their didgereedoos in their sun-scorched paws.

When I read about it in the next day's Sydney Morning Herald
(where it was sandwiched between a rave review for a groovy new café
serving oatmeal damper and underdone chips with curried snapper heads
and an article about how Australia was the greatest country in the world
And anyone who argued with that was a Pommie bastard, no worries),
I was marginally upset and, there and then, decided that
Dear God, I would cut short my trip to Sydney and go on to Canberra
Where nothing interesting has happened for eighty-five years
(and where I could hope for safety except for the terminal boredom
caused by politicians spouting off a load of rightwing shite);
Arise Australia Fair, my sharny arsehole, you can get stuffed.