Memories of Alabama

Tombstone, Phoenix, Tucson, Prescott,
Names to conjure with, with a grimace of pain;
Just a mention of these towns can cause international joy
In the hearts and souls of the sophisticated.

'Ho Ho Ho' I hear you say with a shriek of laughter
As you defecate into your stetson in order
To recycle the liquid content in time of drought
Relishing that it will be an improvement on normal Arizonan food.

You mean the state where farmers feed their chickens
Crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs?
The place where you can get severe anal condensation
From the water in the toilet bowl in the shed out back?

Verily, dost thou mean that famous parcel of desert
Where the average IQ is nearly 92 (in a very good year),
That land of great intellectual cowboy prowess
Rising like a phoenix from a high-flush toilet?

Naturellement, Arizona has some good points compared to (say) Baghdad,
But I have seen the bad side of this enchanting state,
As it is where my dear Uncle "Fatso" Freddie was sadly
Crushed totally to death by a mobile steam-hammer.

O how sad I was to see his splattered corpse
Lying, frying gently, on the sidewalk in the summer sun,
As a freedom-loving KKK marchpast took place,
Tattered Confederate flags waving in the boiling breeze.

How fortunate I was to join in the neighbourhood clambake
Followed by a jocular lynching of a Mexican teenage retard
And a rousing chorus of the Star Spangled Banner
From the local Nazi Strict Baptist Chapel of the Aryan Jesus.

O how I recall my joy as I chatted up a plump broad,
And I shall never forget her grateful smile as she received
Eight and a half inches of well-greased English prick
Right up her marginally washed Hershey Highway (*).

[* NOTE = The lady in question was, tragically, yet another backdoor victim of the famous cockfight at the KY Corral.]