Memories of Bangkok

People think that humid Bangkok is an exotic Eastern city,
Covered with more Buddhist temples than a teenager has zits,
Where delicious food is available from street vendors on every corner
(from whom you stand a one in four chance of terminal food-poisoning),
And where the chatter of the happy Western tourists can be heard
(just about) over the chug-chug of the myriad motorised rickshaws,
As they flock to the jewellery shops to be politely fleeced.
But there is a darker side to this fabulous oriental metropolis -
I know this from personal experience and, oh alas, alack, woe is me,
My horny cousin, Horatio Hodges, paid for the experience with his life.

We were gaily trolling around the charming Patpong district one evening,
Glancing in at the nicely decorated bars with their inviting red lanterns
And admiring the glamourous denizens who sat so happily therein,
When a quartet of friendly young ladies appeared from nowhere
And offered to allow us to buy them a bottle of imported fizz
At the knockdown price of 2,000 baht which seemed a good deal really.
After a few bevvies, Horatio was unwise enough to agree to an idea
Suggested by the young ladies (I accidentally overheard one of them say,
"Come on Hollaysho, you come upstair wiv' us and you can get
yo' blains fucked out good an' plopper, no wollies, mate,
four hot pussies best thing you ever seen in all your rife").
I declined to join the party since I have very strict morals
And wished to remain faithful to my six foot eleven fiancée, Brunnhilde;
Thus I just sat at the bar whilst two pretty young men sucked my toes
(most enjoyable and only an extra three hundred baht, I was assured).

After about fifteen minutes I heard the most blood-curdling yells
Emanating from the upper room to which Horatio had retired,
And I bravely rushed upstairs to find those nice young girls
Were not as friendly as had at first appeared to be the case:
Indeed they had just finished slicing Horatio like a salami
And the walls looked like an abattoir after a hard day's work.
"He lefuse to give us glatuity, gleedy fat Engrish mutha-fucka",
Explained one of the excited femmes de la nuit, out of breath,
"And unress you want some of the same, lound eyes, you can piss off!"
Well, I can assure you I needed no clearer advice at that moment,
And I quit the bar, making sure to over-tip generously as I left.
Dear God, I shall skip all Thai massage parlours in future.