50 Shades Of Mess

I feel a lot of the time like a chair, you can physically see me, but my presence isn't acknowledged. The only time I am is when I am needed. I would say I feel invisible, but to be seen and not acknowledged hurts way more. I am constantly scared of being left. The thought of me and my issues causing someone to leave me makes me feel like I already messed up. I get sad and angry easily. It can be caused by the wrong tone of voice, a wrong word or the volume of your voice. However you talk to me or treat me, something in my head will tell me that they are angry at you or they hate you now. My mind is a storm that will love you and within seconds hate and be repulsed by you. It's like flipping a switch on and off repeatedly and I can't get it to stop. I sometimes feel suicidal, like dieing is a fantasy, but something that terrifies me. I get so empty and low, I just want my problems to all go away and the only cure is to be deleted. I manipulate because the truth is, I really can't mentally handle not getting my way. It makes me think that nobody cares about what I want or need and that they are not important. Small things can send me over the edge. You could be being playful or be mildly annoying and I will lose it. I grinding my teeth, black out sometimes, snap, slam doors and scream. I will have a mental break down and feel unheard when I try to explain. It feels impossible to stop, it is exhausting and unbearable. My heart will race, my body shakes, I sweat and get urges to start punching but I never do. I get so lazy and slothy that I can't get out of bed, get dressed, brush my teeth, stand in place, text people and make myself food. I am tired and worry about how I am not taking care of myself, but the heaviness of my body weighs me down too much. I get paranoid that people are trying to kill or drug me. Do you want to go to the movies with me? No, there could be a shooting. You want a cigarette? No, it could be laced. There's razor blades in my food and I will for sure die if I take an advil for my body pain. My guard is constantly up, protecting me from non existent danger. Everything has caution signs around it. Doesn't matter if it's logical or not, it's the fear that prevents you just in case. It's stolen opportunities from me and made me sound insane when I talk about it. I get deep in my thoughts. I think about what I should have achieved at my age, my inevitable fate and how all my loved ones will eventually die. I am saddened at the thought of everyone dieing before me causing me to rot alone, or I will leave behind my loved ones and I have to go alone. I am 50 shades of mess and I don't think I will ever come back. All of my trauma and illnesses drowned and killed that happy little girl. It stole my positivity, energy, sweet dreams and my smile. It all faded and I got worse the more I aged. I now have anxiety everyday, find talking on the phone to be hard and punish myself when I feel that I have hurt someone. I was in and out of mental hospitals most of my teen years, cried myself to the point of dehydration, mutilated my body and hide my emotions because it makes me embarrassed and think of myself as weak. If that's not slowly dieing, I don't know what is. I worry about doing something that will emotionally hurt others and lose trust. I worry I will drive people away because I am too much. I worry that I am the problem. I worry that I will keep getting worse.